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Saturday 31 March 2012

Getting ready

My surgery was over a month ago now and my cycle since then has been all over the place.  Both Fertility Friend and I have been a little confused as to exactly when I ovulated this cycle but it looks like it was alot later than usual as I am now at day 31 and still no sign of AF.  I normally have a 27 day cycle with ovulation on day 14.  My temps have been all over the place for most of the month but they finally seem to be settling down into a regular pattern again so hopefully that's a good sign that everything will be ok for my next cycle.

It sounds weird but my insides seem a little different since the op.  I get sharp twinges in there from time to time when I move around, especially around the incision at my belly button.  It's almost like I can feel new adhesions growing in there or something which is silly but that's what I keep thinking.  And (possibly TMI) my vajayjay seems different too!  Very weird.  Anyway ... at this point we are both just hanging out for day 1 so we can get our first cycle of TTC underway.  Scout is very excited and keeps asking about AF which is cute :)  Since there is nothing else to do till then, I am just focusing on my body and my diet and trying to do all the right things.

When I think back on the last string of months leading up to this point, I feel pretty good about how far I've come in terms of preparing my body.  In some ways I feel like I should have started preparing earlier but for 4 months I think I've done ok.  I've been taking my extra vitamins and a probiotic, cut out caffeine and alcohol (caffeine was pretty big as I was an energy drink addict), started eating healthier food and organic food when possible (we started growing our own vegies which has helped), increased my water intake which has been hard and still is, quit smoking (also hard especially since Scout didn't join me!), restored my zinc levels (which were way out) and increased my exercise from almost non-existant to 4 times a week.  My body has definately changed.  And one of the biggest changes has been that my allergies are now under control.  12 months ago I was sick all day every day and had been for over a year with what seemed like a bad cold that would never go away.  It was probably the most stressful thing I have had to deal with trying to hold down a full time job while being so unwell for such an extended period of time.  I finally got tested for allergies and have since been having desensitisation therapy for grass and dust mites and I now feel human again.  I still have fortnightly injections for it but my resistance is at a level where I think I would cope at least for a while being off them (ie if/when we get pregnant).  This has made a huge difference in terms of my quality of life.  Allergies might not sound like a big deal but they can be disabling and when untreated over a long period of time, it can take you to a bad place.  I had honestly tried everything and been to so many doctors and none of them  helped me.  I was seriously at the end of my rope ... so I'm just glad one of them finally sent me to a specialist because there is no way I would be able to get pregnant now if I was still that unwell.  Anyway the great thing now is that I am so much healthier.  I still feel pretty tried juggling full time work with family life but now I can breathe!  I'm starting to lose weight, my skin is clearer and even my fingernails are growing faster :)

The biggest thing I think I need to focus on now is my mental health.  My load at work has just doubled so my days are pretty full on.  Fortunately I don't tend to bring much of it home with me and I tend to be able to switch off when I am home, but being so busy sometimes means I don't always make enough time for the little things I enjoy that give me balance ... like playing with the girls, our animals and just spending time in our garden.  Easter will be here soon so the break will do me good ... and I've managed to get time off over the period when we will most likely be inseminating so hopefully that will help.  Only 4 more days at work now so I am looking forward to it :)  In the meantime, I might go spend today in our garden and hopefully tomorrow ... AF will arrive!


Saturday 17 March 2012

Good to go!

Finally!  We are good to go!  Did the dummy catheter trial yesterday and even though it still didn't go all the way in. Dr P is happy that she can get it in far enough for insemination without a local :)  I am uber happy about this!  She was still of the opinion that we will most likely end up having to do IVF in the end given the extent of my endo and damage to my tubes, but we are going to try one IUI (or ICI depending on how far she gets) first before moving on to IVF.  This is a good outcome given how much difficulty she's had with trying to get anything through my cervix.  So I am very excited that we are ready to go next cycle :)  And that's just 2 weeks away!  Also -she said I got a 6.2 on the second AMH test which is awesome (twice the first one) so it looks like I have a few more eggs left in me than we first thought :)  This is the first consult with Dr P that we've actually come out of with good news so I have been on a bit of a high since then.  And to top it off, Dr P also bulk billed our consult so we didn't have to pay anything!  How good is that?!  She has been great and we are so glad to have her as our specialist :)  It's just a relief to know that we are finally on track for making this baby and that despite all the issues that have come up, we now have a plan which will hopefully get us there.

We discussed doing a natural vs low does stim cycle for the IUI and have decided to do the stim given the issues with my tubes.  This means there is potential for more than one egg to be released, which Scout is a little freaked about.  I have tried to allay her fears by telling her the chances are low - less that 15% chance that we will even get pregnant via IUI and if we do - 20% chance they will be twins.  But all she can focus on is the 20% LOL.  She is convinced we will end up with twins and heaven help us if it's two more girls!  I am less concerned - probably because I don't expect to get pregnant first go IUI anyway.  I just want to give it a go because we've been going to appointments for this since December and we still haven't even had an attempt at it.  I just want to do SOMETHING.  We will need to start again with the counselling, financial and nursing appointments to do IVF, so in the meantime it's worth trying one IUI just for the hell of it.  I am excited about it - even if it's unlikely to work I'll just feel better that we are finally 'trying'.  I am even excited about doing the injections ... although I imagine the novelty will wear off pretty quickly.  Scout, on the other hand, is bracing herself for the hormonal ride and me turning into a cranky emotional wreck of a wife.  It's going to be interesting ... And I can't wait!

Tuesday 6 March 2012

New mantra

It's been a difficult week.  I spent the first few days after the lap pretty much entirely in bed, just getting up to get something to drink and go to the toilet.  If I was upright for too long I just felt faint and nauseous and needed to lie down again.  I finally started taking stemetil on Friday so I could handle being out of bed for a bit.  We hired a cabin for the weekend about an hours drive away and went there for two nights just to get out of the house for a bit.  Scout and Charlie did some fishing while Jazz and I hung out in the cabin.  My period started they same day I finally felt well enough to be vertical, so since then I've had cramping almost every afternoon and evening since.  Last night I was so uncomfortable I didn't get to sleep till 1am despite taking panadeine forte and using a heat wheat pack.  My stomach has felt weak and tender and the stitches have been irritating my skin.  So I just haven't felt like doing anything except sleep and watch tv.  The only productive thing I've really done all week is read a new book I bought - "Healthy Parents, Healthy Baby".  It's been good in terms of getting me to think more about my pre conception preparation but it's also had me feeling a little guilty I didn't read this book earlier.   Unfortunately because I've had so much time on my hands my mind has been my enemy.  I've been a little stressed and depressed about the results of the surgery.  I've been googling everything and anything remotely related and have lay in bed for hours on end contemplating what it all means.  Scout has been trying to discourage my fixation but it's all I've been able to think about.  What's surprised me the most is that despite all my thoughts and worries, I haven't been outwardly emotional about it at all, which is odd given where I'm at in my cycle.  I've been upset mentally but there hasn't been any tears.   Then today we had the post op review with our specialist.  Scout had a clash with her work so it was touch and go as to whether she'd be able to make it but thankfully she did at the very last minute.  Dr P went over what happened in the surgery and showed us pictures of the endometriosis, the adhesions and scarring from previous endometriosis, my tubes, ovaries and a massive fibroid somewhere in-between all of that.  She confirmed that she burnt off the endometriosis, that my right tube is damaged, and that I have an acutely tilted anteverted cervix which pretty much does a 180 degree turn back on itself making insertion of anything through my cervix for IUI or even IVF extremely difficult.  Basically the only silver lining  of having all that, is that I am now eligible for the Medicare rebate for fertility treatment.  In other words ... All of that is going to make getting pregnant difficult.   She took my stitches out - the one in my belly button was so deep inside it hurt like hell when she dug it out.  I nearly passed out after letting out a yelp that I'm sure everyone in the waiting room heard.  Then we discussed IUI vs IVF, which is where it all finally hit me ... And the tears came. The reality is we only signed up to a fertility clinic because we wanted to access their sperm donor program.  It never occurred to us at any point that we might actually have fertility issues other than a lack of sperm.  I was upset enough just finding out my AMH was low but then all of this ... It's just been a bit to process.   Anyway ... Apparently regardless of whether I go IUI or IVF, I am going to need either a local or even a general to do the insemination or egg transfer. We discussed it and decided to give IUI a go first because the reality is we will have to start all over again with counseling and donor selection if we decide to go IVF ... And i'm over all this red tape and waiting.  I just want to give it a try.  If IUI doesn't work, then I'll happily go back to jumping through all their hoops to do IVF but I need to just need to give this a try.   So I'm booked in for another 'trial' catheter insertion with Dr P next week around my date of ovulation.  I'm dreading it but if this is what I've got to do then so be it.  Tomorrow I go back to work and  I'm not looking forward to that either but it will be a good distraction until I get my head into a more positive frame of mind.  Healthy mind = healthy mum = healthy baby, and that needs to be my focus from now on.  Our little one is still waiting for us, so we just need to do everything we can to be happy and healthy and focused on finding a way to bring him or her into this world, one way or another :)

Saturday 31 March 2012

Getting ready

My surgery was over a month ago now and my cycle since then has been all over the place.  Both Fertility Friend and I have been a little confused as to exactly when I ovulated this cycle but it looks like it was alot later than usual as I am now at day 31 and still no sign of AF.  I normally have a 27 day cycle with ovulation on day 14.  My temps have been all over the place for most of the month but they finally seem to be settling down into a regular pattern again so hopefully that's a good sign that everything will be ok for my next cycle.

It sounds weird but my insides seem a little different since the op.  I get sharp twinges in there from time to time when I move around, especially around the incision at my belly button.  It's almost like I can feel new adhesions growing in there or something which is silly but that's what I keep thinking.  And (possibly TMI) my vajayjay seems different too!  Very weird.  Anyway ... at this point we are both just hanging out for day 1 so we can get our first cycle of TTC underway.  Scout is very excited and keeps asking about AF which is cute :)  Since there is nothing else to do till then, I am just focusing on my body and my diet and trying to do all the right things.

When I think back on the last string of months leading up to this point, I feel pretty good about how far I've come in terms of preparing my body.  In some ways I feel like I should have started preparing earlier but for 4 months I think I've done ok.  I've been taking my extra vitamins and a probiotic, cut out caffeine and alcohol (caffeine was pretty big as I was an energy drink addict), started eating healthier food and organic food when possible (we started growing our own vegies which has helped), increased my water intake which has been hard and still is, quit smoking (also hard especially since Scout didn't join me!), restored my zinc levels (which were way out) and increased my exercise from almost non-existant to 4 times a week.  My body has definately changed.  And one of the biggest changes has been that my allergies are now under control.  12 months ago I was sick all day every day and had been for over a year with what seemed like a bad cold that would never go away.  It was probably the most stressful thing I have had to deal with trying to hold down a full time job while being so unwell for such an extended period of time.  I finally got tested for allergies and have since been having desensitisation therapy for grass and dust mites and I now feel human again.  I still have fortnightly injections for it but my resistance is at a level where I think I would cope at least for a while being off them (ie if/when we get pregnant).  This has made a huge difference in terms of my quality of life.  Allergies might not sound like a big deal but they can be disabling and when untreated over a long period of time, it can take you to a bad place.  I had honestly tried everything and been to so many doctors and none of them  helped me.  I was seriously at the end of my rope ... so I'm just glad one of them finally sent me to a specialist because there is no way I would be able to get pregnant now if I was still that unwell.  Anyway the great thing now is that I am so much healthier.  I still feel pretty tried juggling full time work with family life but now I can breathe!  I'm starting to lose weight, my skin is clearer and even my fingernails are growing faster :)

The biggest thing I think I need to focus on now is my mental health.  My load at work has just doubled so my days are pretty full on.  Fortunately I don't tend to bring much of it home with me and I tend to be able to switch off when I am home, but being so busy sometimes means I don't always make enough time for the little things I enjoy that give me balance ... like playing with the girls, our animals and just spending time in our garden.  Easter will be here soon so the break will do me good ... and I've managed to get time off over the period when we will most likely be inseminating so hopefully that will help.  Only 4 more days at work now so I am looking forward to it :)  In the meantime, I might go spend today in our garden and hopefully tomorrow ... AF will arrive!


Saturday 17 March 2012

Good to go!

Finally!  We are good to go!  Did the dummy catheter trial yesterday and even though it still didn't go all the way in. Dr P is happy that she can get it in far enough for insemination without a local :)  I am uber happy about this!  She was still of the opinion that we will most likely end up having to do IVF in the end given the extent of my endo and damage to my tubes, but we are going to try one IUI (or ICI depending on how far she gets) first before moving on to IVF.  This is a good outcome given how much difficulty she's had with trying to get anything through my cervix.  So I am very excited that we are ready to go next cycle :)  And that's just 2 weeks away!  Also -she said I got a 6.2 on the second AMH test which is awesome (twice the first one) so it looks like I have a few more eggs left in me than we first thought :)  This is the first consult with Dr P that we've actually come out of with good news so I have been on a bit of a high since then.  And to top it off, Dr P also bulk billed our consult so we didn't have to pay anything!  How good is that?!  She has been great and we are so glad to have her as our specialist :)  It's just a relief to know that we are finally on track for making this baby and that despite all the issues that have come up, we now have a plan which will hopefully get us there.

We discussed doing a natural vs low does stim cycle for the IUI and have decided to do the stim given the issues with my tubes.  This means there is potential for more than one egg to be released, which Scout is a little freaked about.  I have tried to allay her fears by telling her the chances are low - less that 15% chance that we will even get pregnant via IUI and if we do - 20% chance they will be twins.  But all she can focus on is the 20% LOL.  She is convinced we will end up with twins and heaven help us if it's two more girls!  I am less concerned - probably because I don't expect to get pregnant first go IUI anyway.  I just want to give it a go because we've been going to appointments for this since December and we still haven't even had an attempt at it.  I just want to do SOMETHING.  We will need to start again with the counselling, financial and nursing appointments to do IVF, so in the meantime it's worth trying one IUI just for the hell of it.  I am excited about it - even if it's unlikely to work I'll just feel better that we are finally 'trying'.  I am even excited about doing the injections ... although I imagine the novelty will wear off pretty quickly.  Scout, on the other hand, is bracing herself for the hormonal ride and me turning into a cranky emotional wreck of a wife.  It's going to be interesting ... And I can't wait!

Tuesday 6 March 2012

New mantra

It's been a difficult week.  I spent the first few days after the lap pretty much entirely in bed, just getting up to get something to drink and go to the toilet.  If I was upright for too long I just felt faint and nauseous and needed to lie down again.  I finally started taking stemetil on Friday so I could handle being out of bed for a bit.  We hired a cabin for the weekend about an hours drive away and went there for two nights just to get out of the house for a bit.  Scout and Charlie did some fishing while Jazz and I hung out in the cabin.  My period started they same day I finally felt well enough to be vertical, so since then I've had cramping almost every afternoon and evening since.  Last night I was so uncomfortable I didn't get to sleep till 1am despite taking panadeine forte and using a heat wheat pack.  My stomach has felt weak and tender and the stitches have been irritating my skin.  So I just haven't felt like doing anything except sleep and watch tv.  The only productive thing I've really done all week is read a new book I bought - "Healthy Parents, Healthy Baby".  It's been good in terms of getting me to think more about my pre conception preparation but it's also had me feeling a little guilty I didn't read this book earlier.   Unfortunately because I've had so much time on my hands my mind has been my enemy.  I've been a little stressed and depressed about the results of the surgery.  I've been googling everything and anything remotely related and have lay in bed for hours on end contemplating what it all means.  Scout has been trying to discourage my fixation but it's all I've been able to think about.  What's surprised me the most is that despite all my thoughts and worries, I haven't been outwardly emotional about it at all, which is odd given where I'm at in my cycle.  I've been upset mentally but there hasn't been any tears.   Then today we had the post op review with our specialist.  Scout had a clash with her work so it was touch and go as to whether she'd be able to make it but thankfully she did at the very last minute.  Dr P went over what happened in the surgery and showed us pictures of the endometriosis, the adhesions and scarring from previous endometriosis, my tubes, ovaries and a massive fibroid somewhere in-between all of that.  She confirmed that she burnt off the endometriosis, that my right tube is damaged, and that I have an acutely tilted anteverted cervix which pretty much does a 180 degree turn back on itself making insertion of anything through my cervix for IUI or even IVF extremely difficult.  Basically the only silver lining  of having all that, is that I am now eligible for the Medicare rebate for fertility treatment.  In other words ... All of that is going to make getting pregnant difficult.   She took my stitches out - the one in my belly button was so deep inside it hurt like hell when she dug it out.  I nearly passed out after letting out a yelp that I'm sure everyone in the waiting room heard.  Then we discussed IUI vs IVF, which is where it all finally hit me ... And the tears came. The reality is we only signed up to a fertility clinic because we wanted to access their sperm donor program.  It never occurred to us at any point that we might actually have fertility issues other than a lack of sperm.  I was upset enough just finding out my AMH was low but then all of this ... It's just been a bit to process.   Anyway ... Apparently regardless of whether I go IUI or IVF, I am going to need either a local or even a general to do the insemination or egg transfer. We discussed it and decided to give IUI a go first because the reality is we will have to start all over again with counseling and donor selection if we decide to go IVF ... And i'm over all this red tape and waiting.  I just want to give it a try.  If IUI doesn't work, then I'll happily go back to jumping through all their hoops to do IVF but I need to just need to give this a try.   So I'm booked in for another 'trial' catheter insertion with Dr P next week around my date of ovulation.  I'm dreading it but if this is what I've got to do then so be it.  Tomorrow I go back to work and  I'm not looking forward to that either but it will be a good distraction until I get my head into a more positive frame of mind.  Healthy mind = healthy mum = healthy baby, and that needs to be my focus from now on.  Our little one is still waiting for us, so we just need to do everything we can to be happy and healthy and focused on finding a way to bring him or her into this world, one way or another :)

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