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| Merry Christmas! |
Taken
2 months ago
Tuesday 25 December 2012
Merry Christmas :)
It's been a long and crazy month but we've survived all the birthdays and Christmas festivities along side our failed cycle. I have been emotionally up and down over the past week and Scout has been incredibly patient and supportive of me considering I haven't exactly been a bundle of joy to hang out with lately. But as bummed as I've been, I only have to visit some of my clients from work, turn on the news or read a few blogs by others to put things in perspective. Another failed cycle isn't the end of the world. We will bounce back and find a way financially to try again :). In the meantime, we're going camping! I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas break x
Wednesday 19 December 2012
5 stages of grief in 8 hours of work
Denial: Right now there's only one line but maybe it just needs more time.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.
That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.
That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Still in limbo
AF didn't show ... But we still don't have two lines on a stick. Had some minor brown spotting last night and this morning. Looks like I'm in for another day of anxiety every time I go to the toilet. Strangely enough I wasn't crushed by the BFN this morning. Confused but not crushed. I've had different symptoms this cycle which have possibly given me more confidence than perhaps I should have at this point, but essentially ... I'm not ready to except that we are out just yet.
Monday 17 December 2012
12dp2dt ... AF due date
No sign of her yet but still plenty of symptoms to suggest she's on her way. If she's coming, I think it'll be this afternoon. Going to be a long and stressful day. We still haven't tested but I was silly enough to start temping again over the last few days and this morning I saw a big dip that made my heart sink. I did however have a drink of water absent mindedly in my semi sleep state before shoving the thermometer in my mouth so I'm hoping that is what caused the dip.
I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.
Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!
I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.
Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!
Saturday 15 December 2012
It's beginning to feel alot like AF ... 10dp2dt
Yesterday in the middle of Charlie's party I suddenly felt like AF had arrived. As soon as we had everyone settled in the cinema, I ran out to the toilet expecting the worst and there was nothing ... just excess CM or something. I'm glad it was nothing but I still have this feeling like AF is eminent. It's got me worried and on top of that I've just felt nervous in general, like my tummy has butterflies and my heart's gonna jump out of my chest! Anyway ... I am doing my best not to over think this stuff right now and stay distracted but it's getting harder the closer we get to my AF due date.
The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...
On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.
Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!
The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...
On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.
Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!
Friday 14 December 2012
Staying distracted at 9dp2dt
I don't think we could have picked a more perfect time to endure a TWW. There is just so much going on for us in December that we've hardly had time to dwell on things this time. It's been great! We now have less than a week left till the beta and even less till AF, with plenty of distractions still up our sleeve.
Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
Yesterday I finished work early to go to Jazz's kinder concert. It was cute but the songs went on longer than the kids were interested in singing and Jazz spent most of it just staring at the audience and wriggling around. She had to dress up as a rabbit and since rabbit ears aren't exactly in huge supply at this time of year we had to make some late Thursday night. I also painted her face before dropping her off and she looked very cute but of course by the time the concert came around it was half wiped off.
Today we have Charlie's birthday party which is basically pancake's at the Pancake Parlour and a movie. She has invited 4 of her school friends to come so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal but she does tend to become a little "silly" when she's around her friends. And tomorrow we plan on sleeping in. Thank goodness!!! We are both exhausted and overdue for a lazy day at home doing nothing. Having said that, at some point I need to buy a kris Kringle present for work and sort out a few other things for Scout's birthday on the 20th.
I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...
Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
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| The Furby |
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| And the birthday girl! |
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| One super cute rabbit :) |
I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...
Tuesday 11 December 2012
6dp2dt
The wait is going ok ... although I still wish it would go faster! I am keeping a list of any odd things I notice each day but they are all relatively minuscule / non existent. In general, I don't feel any different from how I usually feel. The only big change I have noticed over the last 3 days is I am thirsty all the time. I have always struggled to increase my fluid intake so I rarely drink more than half a litre at work each day, but this week I am suddenly getting through 1.5-2 litres a day and that's just during working hours. For some reason I just feel the need to drink alot. It has been pretty warm here lately though, so Scout thinks that's all it is. She refuses to read into any of the little things I notice or mention. This morning I had my second HCG shot and I was tempted to test before hand just to see if the last shot was fully of of my system but she wouldn't let me. I wanted to know so I could calculate how long after this second shot we would need to wait before we could test but Scout has told me I'm not allowed to :(. She is trying her best to keep me grounded this time. My period is due next Tuesday so we have agreed not to test till after then.
Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!
Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!
Friday 7 December 2012
2dp2dt
Given I've just spent the last couple of months waiting for this cycle to come around, two more weeks should go by pretty quickly ... right? So far I'm managing to keep my mind off the baby station but of course in the back of my head I keep wondering what's going on in there and whether our two embies are still ok.
Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)
Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.
Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!
Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)
Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.
Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!
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| The first of only two shots for this entire cycle! |
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| How cute are these raindeers that keep following us around?! |
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| Family photo with Santa :) |
Wednesday 5 December 2012
The Call
This morning I got the call I was hoping I wouldn't get. It's never a good thing to get a call from your FS in person on the morning of your transfer. She said they had thawed a 4 cell embie and only 2 of the 4 cells survived and neither of the two cells had continued dividing so it wasn't looking good. She recommended thawing the second and I agreed. So I basically spent the rest of the morning in a fairly non-productive state at work worrying about how the second would thaw and whether we would actually have anything to transfer. But to my great relief the second one thawed beautifully and turned out to be a lovely 8 cell by the time it was transferred. They actually transferred both even though they weren't confident about the 2 cell one. So we are now officially in the wait and I am just hoping and praying that my uterus is kind to these little guys and does everything possible to help them stick. I did my best to get a pic but it's not very good ...
Tuesday 4 December 2012
T-1 to TWW
Transfer is booked for 12.20 tomorrow and I'm guessing our little frosty should be a 'defrostie' by now. I am just hoping and praying it starts growing again the way it should. Unfortunately 12.20 tomorrow is smack bang in the middle of one of Scout's appointments and she really can't change it so I will be doing this transfer on my own. I doubt I'll be able to get a pic of the embryo this time cos I'll be in the chair with a catheter insitu and the screen is too far away from the chair to get a decent shot. So I guess this little ones first pic will just have to be a sono pic instead ;). Ohhh please let this be the one. I can't believe we will finally be in the wait again. I will need to keep myself super distracted this time as I'm already feeling a little stir crazy wondering about the outcome. We've had another pregnancy announcement at work this week and these things usually come in 3's so surely number 3 has gotta be me ... Right?! Fingers crossed this one sticks :).
Monday 3 December 2012
Surge ;)
The blood test this morning took ages to come through so I had to go in for the scan and then hang around and wait for the results. I couldn't leave in case the results were negative cos then I'd need to pick up a trigger shot. So after 2 hours of waiting they told me the results where inconclusive and I had to have yet another blood test. They let me go back to work after that and rang this afternoon to confirm that I have officially surged :) Yay! So the transfer is planned for Thursday but we won't know the time till the day beforehand. I am so glad I don't need the trigger :). This means the only drugs I'll be taking this cycle are for leutal phase support. I'll be having Pregnyl shots rather than the progesterone pessaries this time so I won't be able to test at all because I'll run the risk of a false positive. I'm alittle bummed by that but at least it'll save me the psychological trauma of the dreaded sticks and I won't have to deal with yucky stuff up my twat! A Thursday transfer also means the beta test will fall on the 20th which is Scout's birthday :) Fingers crossed she gets the present we are both hoping for cos I really don't wanna spoil her birthday with another BFN.
Sunday 2 December 2012
Negative day post positive OPK
I got a positive OPK this morning and went in for a blood test. Apparently they won't get the results back till tomorrow so basically I need to leave home at 7am tomorrow for my 8.20am scan which I may or may not actually need to go to based on these results. Oh well ... I guess I'll just start driving and hope they call me with a yes or no before I get too far past my work ... but I'm pretty sure I won't be needing the scan. If the bloods come back positive for the surge I'm assuming my transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm really hoping it's not Wednesday as that's the one day Scout will not be able to come and even Thursday isn't looking too good. I know it's not essential that she be there for it, but it is kinda the key procedure in the whole process and the one we'd really prefer to be together for. So we are both a little bummed about how the timing of things seems to be panning out but what can you do.
This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.
This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.
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Tuesday 25 December 2012
Merry Christmas :)
It's been a long and crazy month but we've survived all the birthdays and Christmas festivities along side our failed cycle. I have been emotionally up and down over the past week and Scout has been incredibly patient and supportive of me considering I haven't exactly been a bundle of joy to hang out with lately. But as bummed as I've been, I only have to visit some of my clients from work, turn on the news or read a few blogs by others to put things in perspective. Another failed cycle isn't the end of the world. We will bounce back and find a way financially to try again :). In the meantime, we're going camping! I hope you all have a wonderful Xmas break x
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| Merry Christmas! |
Wednesday 19 December 2012
5 stages of grief in 8 hours of work
Denial: Right now there's only one line but maybe it just needs more time.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.
That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.
Anger: Why the fuck didn't they tell me Pregnyl can delay your period?!
Bargaining (or in my case 'Begging'): Please god, please don't let this be another BFN.
Depression: Who am I kidding. I'm incapable of getting pregnant. I give up.
Acceptance (of sorts): It's a BFN. Just bleed already so I can have a fucking drink.
That was my day today. It would be nice to think that acceptance could be achieved in 8 hours but unfortunately I'm still bitter and twisted. The brown had turned to red. I'm not even going in for the blood test tomorrow. It's Scout's birthday and I'll be fucked if I'm leaving home at 5.45am on her birthday to go in for a blood test that tells me jack shit. It can happen when it suits me. And as for this baby making shit ... I am beyond over it. I've wasted a year, $25 K and my last shred of sanity on it, all for nothing. I'm over it. I can't do it. 3 transfers, 5 embryos. Seriously, how can I have ready made embryos placed in my uterus and still not get pregnant? What the hell is wrong with me?!! IVF is a fucking rort.
Tuesday 18 December 2012
Still in limbo
AF didn't show ... But we still don't have two lines on a stick. Had some minor brown spotting last night and this morning. Looks like I'm in for another day of anxiety every time I go to the toilet. Strangely enough I wasn't crushed by the BFN this morning. Confused but not crushed. I've had different symptoms this cycle which have possibly given me more confidence than perhaps I should have at this point, but essentially ... I'm not ready to except that we are out just yet.
Monday 17 December 2012
12dp2dt ... AF due date
No sign of her yet but still plenty of symptoms to suggest she's on her way. If she's coming, I think it'll be this afternoon. Going to be a long and stressful day. We still haven't tested but I was silly enough to start temping again over the last few days and this morning I saw a big dip that made my heart sink. I did however have a drink of water absent mindedly in my semi sleep state before shoving the thermometer in my mouth so I'm hoping that is what caused the dip.
I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.
Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!
I am tired and sick of work and ready for this week to just end and holidays to begin. Even Jazz was a cranky pants about getting ready for kinder this morning and that's usually the one thing she's happy to get ready for.
Anyway ... I am stressing. If we're still in the game tomorrow morning we'll test. Crapping my pants about the idea of that as well!
Saturday 15 December 2012
It's beginning to feel alot like AF ... 10dp2dt
Yesterday in the middle of Charlie's party I suddenly felt like AF had arrived. As soon as we had everyone settled in the cinema, I ran out to the toilet expecting the worst and there was nothing ... just excess CM or something. I'm glad it was nothing but I still have this feeling like AF is eminent. It's got me worried and on top of that I've just felt nervous in general, like my tummy has butterflies and my heart's gonna jump out of my chest! Anyway ... I am doing my best not to over think this stuff right now and stay distracted but it's getting harder the closer we get to my AF due date.
The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...
On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.
Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!
The party was ... FULL.ON. Let's just say Charlie will not be having a party next year. It was chaos all thanks to one little girl who Charlie is best friends with and who we would rather she didn't hang out with anymore. We've had this kid over before and been unimpressed but figured she was perhaps alittle misunderstood or something ... but now we know she's just plan nasty. Her behavior was atrocious and of course Charlie went along with it much to our discust. This kid was throwing crayons around the resturant, deliberately standing on and rubbing the crayons into the ground with her feet, running around and crawling under tables, ramming her hand into full glasses of water emptying the contents all over the table, pouring a ton of maple syrup onto her plate and then licking it back up like a dog, not listening, not sharing, being nasty to Jazz, somehow managing to pour a whole drink all over both Charlie and her seats in the cinema ... You name it, this kid did it. She even twisted Charlie's arm to the point where she was in tears in the car! Why Charlie is friend with this girl I have no idea but it's gonna stop. She was just out of control ... And if you asked her to stop she defiantly did it even more while looking at you. She is a serious piece of work and Scout was literately rocking in the corner after having to drive there and back with this kid in her car. Fortunately we took two cars so I didn't have to endure this child in a confined space. On numerous occasions I was ready to remove her from the party and make her sit outside with me for the rest of the afternoon while everyone else enjoyed the movie. Honestly ... It was bad. And I really felt bad for some of the other kids who were really nice and must have been wondering what planet this kid was from. Anyway ... The fact that Charlie went along with her behavior, also not listening, made us quite disappointed in her, so unfortunately she spent the rest of the afternoon in her room after it was over. Hmmm ...
On a lighter note, I had to make small talk with one of the other mother's at the resturant while waiting for Scout and her load to show up. This mother clearly didn't have a clue who I was since I'm rarely the one picking Charlie up from school and I think I shocked her alittle when she figured out that I was in fact Charlie's 'other mother' and Scout's partner. She said "Oh ... Oh, oh, umm, oh right, oh ... Yes now things make sense ... (nervous laugh)" lol. I was half waiting for her to grab her kid and run. It was interesting. Fortunately she didn't and in the end she was even happy enough for me (the lesbian) to even drop her kid home afterwards. On the way home her daughter confirmed that despite telling her mum that Charlie had two mums and was in a "rainbow family", apparently her mum didn't know what that was. I guess we've enlightened her :). Anyway at least she was relatively ok about it, cos we've had other mother's who aren't so fine with it. We are still living and learning along the way with our girls as they make new friends and grow older. Fortunately Charlie hasn't endured any bullying or hurt to date in relation to having two mums but we are waiting and dreading the day it ever happens.
Anyway ... I hope these AF symptoms are just a red herring and we are still in the game next Thursday. I am nervous as hell about POAS this time. I want to know if it's a BFP but I'm not ready to see a BFN. It's such a double edged sword!
Friday 14 December 2012
Staying distracted at 9dp2dt
I don't think we could have picked a more perfect time to endure a TWW. There is just so much going on for us in December that we've hardly had time to dwell on things this time. It's been great! We now have less than a week left till the beta and even less till AF, with plenty of distractions still up our sleeve.
Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
Yesterday I finished work early to go to Jazz's kinder concert. It was cute but the songs went on longer than the kids were interested in singing and Jazz spent most of it just staring at the audience and wriggling around. She had to dress up as a rabbit and since rabbit ears aren't exactly in huge supply at this time of year we had to make some late Thursday night. I also painted her face before dropping her off and she looked very cute but of course by the time the concert came around it was half wiped off.
Today we have Charlie's birthday party which is basically pancake's at the Pancake Parlour and a movie. She has invited 4 of her school friends to come so it shouldn't be too big of an ordeal but she does tend to become a little "silly" when she's around her friends. And tomorrow we plan on sleeping in. Thank goodness!!! We are both exhausted and overdue for a lazy day at home doing nothing. Having said that, at some point I need to buy a kris Kringle present for work and sort out a few other things for Scout's birthday on the 20th.
I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...
Thursday was Charlie's birthday. She loves her new Furby and is actually alittle obsessed with it at the moment. No doubt it will wear off but right now it's the only present she's playing with apart from this giant remote control nemo helium balloon Scout's mum gave her.
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| The Furby |
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| And the birthday girl! |
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| One super cute rabbit :) |
I'm both excited and nervous about the next few days and finding out the outcome of this cycle. I am praying my period stays away and am counting down the days to the beta but having been stung before by disappointment on the test date I am starting to prepare myself for the possibility of bad news again. I always convince myself I'm pregnant and end up disappointed so this time I'm trying not to go there. If we get a BFN at least I'll be starting holidays two days later and I can drown my disappointment in food, drink and general festivities over Christmas and new years. But I really hope that's not the case. Please, please, please, please let this be the one...
Tuesday 11 December 2012
6dp2dt
The wait is going ok ... although I still wish it would go faster! I am keeping a list of any odd things I notice each day but they are all relatively minuscule / non existent. In general, I don't feel any different from how I usually feel. The only big change I have noticed over the last 3 days is I am thirsty all the time. I have always struggled to increase my fluid intake so I rarely drink more than half a litre at work each day, but this week I am suddenly getting through 1.5-2 litres a day and that's just during working hours. For some reason I just feel the need to drink alot. It has been pretty warm here lately though, so Scout thinks that's all it is. She refuses to read into any of the little things I notice or mention. This morning I had my second HCG shot and I was tempted to test before hand just to see if the last shot was fully of of my system but she wouldn't let me. I wanted to know so I could calculate how long after this second shot we would need to wait before we could test but Scout has told me I'm not allowed to :(. She is trying her best to keep me grounded this time. My period is due next Tuesday so we have agreed not to test till after then.
Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!
Apart from the wait we have been preparing for both Christmas and Charlie's birthday. On Saturday I spent ages running around trying to find a 'Furby' for her which is the only thing she said she wants for her birthday. It turns out that also seems to be 'the' gift for kids her age for Christmas this year because they are sold out everywhere!!! We ended up having to buy one at a ridiculously inflated price on ebay so I really hope she's likes it. On sunday we finished making and writing our Christmas cards, made a gingerbread house that turned into a bit of a mess because the icing started melting in the heat and all the lollies kept dropping off, and I helped Charlies make a dream catcher which she tells me is working really well. Apparently she saw it wobble the other night when it caught one of her bad dreams ;). Anyway ... Tomorrow is her birthday so I will let you know how the Furby goes down. Hope everyone else in a cycle is travelling ok!
Friday 7 December 2012
2dp2dt
Given I've just spent the last couple of months waiting for this cycle to come around, two more weeks should go by pretty quickly ... right? So far I'm managing to keep my mind off the baby station but of course in the back of my head I keep wondering what's going on in there and whether our two embies are still ok.
Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)
Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.
Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!
Distractions so far ... Charlie's school Christmas concert was on Thursday night after the transfer. It was cute but a little disappointing given her class didn't even perform a Christmas carol. What is with that? Everyone in her class wore a little Indian type head dress with feathers but Charlie had to be different and insisted on wearing her rudolph ears and nose lol. We stood at the back to watch and a family with newborn twin boys pulled their pram up beside us. An omen? Who knows, but let's just say I'm glad it wasn't twin girls ;)
Yesterday we were all pretty tired from being up late at the concert. Work was bearable and I keep myself well distracted with clients until I got home last night. Night time I think is the worst because I start surfing the net on my phone or reading pregnancy books or watching the health channel. Last night Scout and I were actually both home together which was nice but I was so tired from such a busy week, I was off to sleep by 9pm.
Today I have a reflexology appointment and I just had my first Pregnyl shot. Scout is working so I'm dropping the girls with her mum and will go shopping for Charlie's birthday after the reflexology. Then I've got Christmas cards to write and gingerbread to bake so I think I should be suitably distracted. Only 2 and a bit weeks to Christmas! How crazy is that?!
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| The first of only two shots for this entire cycle! |
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| How cute are these raindeers that keep following us around?! |
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| Family photo with Santa :) |
Wednesday 5 December 2012
The Call
This morning I got the call I was hoping I wouldn't get. It's never a good thing to get a call from your FS in person on the morning of your transfer. She said they had thawed a 4 cell embie and only 2 of the 4 cells survived and neither of the two cells had continued dividing so it wasn't looking good. She recommended thawing the second and I agreed. So I basically spent the rest of the morning in a fairly non-productive state at work worrying about how the second would thaw and whether we would actually have anything to transfer. But to my great relief the second one thawed beautifully and turned out to be a lovely 8 cell by the time it was transferred. They actually transferred both even though they weren't confident about the 2 cell one. So we are now officially in the wait and I am just hoping and praying that my uterus is kind to these little guys and does everything possible to help them stick. I did my best to get a pic but it's not very good ...
Tuesday 4 December 2012
T-1 to TWW
Transfer is booked for 12.20 tomorrow and I'm guessing our little frosty should be a 'defrostie' by now. I am just hoping and praying it starts growing again the way it should. Unfortunately 12.20 tomorrow is smack bang in the middle of one of Scout's appointments and she really can't change it so I will be doing this transfer on my own. I doubt I'll be able to get a pic of the embryo this time cos I'll be in the chair with a catheter insitu and the screen is too far away from the chair to get a decent shot. So I guess this little ones first pic will just have to be a sono pic instead ;). Ohhh please let this be the one. I can't believe we will finally be in the wait again. I will need to keep myself super distracted this time as I'm already feeling a little stir crazy wondering about the outcome. We've had another pregnancy announcement at work this week and these things usually come in 3's so surely number 3 has gotta be me ... Right?! Fingers crossed this one sticks :).
Monday 3 December 2012
Surge ;)
The blood test this morning took ages to come through so I had to go in for the scan and then hang around and wait for the results. I couldn't leave in case the results were negative cos then I'd need to pick up a trigger shot. So after 2 hours of waiting they told me the results where inconclusive and I had to have yet another blood test. They let me go back to work after that and rang this afternoon to confirm that I have officially surged :) Yay! So the transfer is planned for Thursday but we won't know the time till the day beforehand. I am so glad I don't need the trigger :). This means the only drugs I'll be taking this cycle are for leutal phase support. I'll be having Pregnyl shots rather than the progesterone pessaries this time so I won't be able to test at all because I'll run the risk of a false positive. I'm alittle bummed by that but at least it'll save me the psychological trauma of the dreaded sticks and I won't have to deal with yucky stuff up my twat! A Thursday transfer also means the beta test will fall on the 20th which is Scout's birthday :) Fingers crossed she gets the present we are both hoping for cos I really don't wanna spoil her birthday with another BFN.
Sunday 2 December 2012
Negative day post positive OPK
I got a positive OPK this morning and went in for a blood test. Apparently they won't get the results back till tomorrow so basically I need to leave home at 7am tomorrow for my 8.20am scan which I may or may not actually need to go to based on these results. Oh well ... I guess I'll just start driving and hope they call me with a yes or no before I get too far past my work ... but I'm pretty sure I won't be needing the scan. If the bloods come back positive for the surge I'm assuming my transfer will be either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm really hoping it's not Wednesday as that's the one day Scout will not be able to come and even Thursday isn't looking too good. I know it's not essential that she be there for it, but it is kinda the key procedure in the whole process and the one we'd really prefer to be together for. So we are both a little bummed about how the timing of things seems to be panning out but what can you do.
This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.
This weekend we made shortbread biscuits with the girls and got our Chrissy photo done with Santa :). And then we came home to find a planning permit notice stapled to our fence. We live in a rented house and the owner is a total bitch. She has been coming in and out and had a valuer, surveyor and arborist come check out the place over the past 6 months. We've suspected she might be planning to subdivide the block and have been asking the realestate what's going on for months but they've kept us in the dark till today when we came home and saw the notice. It's fucking rude and we are pissed to say the least. We rented this place because it had a big yard for the animals and the kids, and also storage for all our camping, gardening and extra miscellaneous stuff. Subdivision will mean we'll have no yard - nowhere for our animals, no storage, nowhere for our boat or camper trailer, no more veggie patch and no space even for the kids swings! Basically it means we are gonna have to move. And we don't want to move. We are really happy and settled where we are. There are only 10 other places in town for rent and they are shitholes that don't meet our needs. So not only are we now faced with having to move house but we might also have to leave the town we currently live in (which we love) and our kids are going to have to change their school which is an awesome school and one of the main reasons we moved to this town in the first place. I am so depressed and stressed just thinking about it. And I am so sick of being a part of this rental rat race where we have no control over anything. I wish we could just buy a place and not have to deal with anyone else's shit but of course we've spent our deposit on IVF ... Not that we have anything to show for it. Ugh! Not.happy.Jan.
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