Just not our time ... And starting to wonder if it ever will be.

BFN again. We used a pretty sensitive stick so I don't hold any hope for the blood test. The weight in my heart just keeps getting heavier as the road gets longer. 7 embryos put back and still no banana. It's starting to look more and more like I don't have any eggs left that are capable of going the distance which is quite a heartbreaking concept to have to try and get my head around. I'm going to get Scout to tell the nurses to call her and not me this time with the test results. I'm just really not up for hearing the same shit again. It's hard enough to go to work and hold myself together day in and day out. I really don't need a phone call from them to rub more salt into the wound. We won't be putting our two remaining frosties back till we've paid off the debt of this last cycle which will take a couple of months. But at this point I don't hold much hope that they will be any different than the last 7. I just want to run off and hide under a rock somewhere. This is not how I want my life to be. I never thought it would be this hard. I never thought I'd end up being one of the women that needed a rediculous number of IVF cycles to get pregnant. And what happens if after a rediculous number of cycles, I'm still not pregnant? Then what? I don't want to think about it. I just want to be pregnant. I just want to be past all this TTC shit. I feel like my life is on hold and I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be.

Negative vibes

Nearly at the end and not feeling too great about this cycle. I've been having mild cramps and occasional stabbing pains in the ute for the past 5 days and now it just feels like my period wants to come. I am REALLY emotional this time. Tears are constantly simmering just under the surface. A few actually slipped out today at work while telling a collegue about some work politics that's been stressing me out lately. I am just not feeling good about anything and really not looking forward to testing. I can just feel myself falling apart over yet another BFN. These hormones are messing with me on a whole new level and I am only barely managing to hold it all together. The dizzy, nauseous feeling that plagued me for at least a month after my last BFN has returned and feels like further confirmation of what's ahead. My period is due Monday - Blood test is Wednesday, but the way I feel right now, I wouldn't be surprised if I started bleeding tomorrow.

Please stick x

At this point I am guessing the fate of this cycle has either already been determined or it's about to be. Our embies have either arrested or if we are really really lucky, one may still be alive and trying to implant. I really hope one is still in there. If they're both gone I'd rather know now so I can move on ... but of course I still have to wait another week for the verdict. As far as symptoms go, I've started having some light cramping but apart from that ... Nada. We went and saw The Wizard of Oz yesterday with the girls, and I might have over done it a bit with some gardening this morning, but essentially we've been having a lazy weekend. I'm back to work tomorrow for the next four days and then I get another long weekend as I have an ADO next Monday, so at least I'll have time to deal with whatever the sticks have to say over the weekend. In the meantime I'm still squirting this crinone crap up my hoohar every night which is gross and makes me stink. My clinic doesn't do any bloods during the wait and I wonder sometimes if my hormones are really where they're suppose to be for the luteal phase. I guess the fact that I stink means the crinone is doing something. Anyway ... They need to come up with a pill that stops you from over thinking stuff in the TWW.

Restless nights

Last night I had a restless sleep and was awake in the early hours with anxiety (thank you progesterone). I'd had some kind of dream that made me feel less than positive about this cycle, and once I was awake, I started stressing that I hadn't heard anything from the clinic about whether they'd managed to freeze the spare embryos. With the last fresh cycle, I got a letter the day after the transfer saying we had two frozen and in storage. But this time I didn't. I'd gotten in late last night because I had a reflexology session so I figured I might have missed some mail on the table and got out of bed to check but there was nothing there. I went back to bed stressing and tossing and turning till the sun came up. Finally when Scout woke up I asked her about the mail and she said she'd been so rushed collecting the girls from school that she hadn't collected it. Talk about relieved. I sent Jazz out to check and the letter was there - thank goodness - confirming our two spare embryos have been frozen and stored (phew!). I am feeling a whole lot better about things now. Still not very confident about this cycle, but relieved we have spares to go again with ... Especially after I checked my bank balance this morning and saw the massive chunk the clinic had just taken out. Anyway, we have a long weekend here this weekend for labour day so I'm going to enjoy not working and just hang out at home. We might all go to the movies tomorrow if we're really lucky. And on a side note ... I am very proud of our 5 year old who is yet to master dry nights (still!) because she actually got up and went to the toilet on her own for the first time ever last night. Considering she woke us up 3 times the night before (twice with a wet bed), we are very happy to have this little monkey finally go at night on her own. It's been a looooong time coming. Fingers crossed she does it again tonight.

Two more on board

Out of the 6 eggs collected, 5 fertilized and 4 grew properly so 2 were put back today and the other 2 are to be frozen. We find out tomorrow if they froze ok. So it looks like this stim cycle is playing out very similar to last time which I'm happy with so far :). Now we just have to wait and hope the blood test turns out a little better!

The other lesbian couple who had their egg collection on Monday were also in there today for their transfer at the same time. I was out of the room when they came in but Scout reckons Jazz got excited when she saw them and whispered loudly "those two girls are married!". She's funny. She's been present for all but one of the transfers and she always comes out with something cute while we're there. One time she thanked the doctor on the way out for "giving us our boy egg" lol. This time she took her baby doll in with her to show off. It's been hard balancing how much we tell the girls about what we're doing and when we're doing it. We told them at the start that we were thinking about having a baby just to see how they felt about it and of course they got excited about it. We've explained a little bit about how we'd make a baby ie. needing a good egg and nice person to give us some extra ingredients and a doctor to mix them together and put it all back inside my tummy to see if it grows into a baby. Jazz has been particularly fasinated by the whole thing and because she's also had to attend a number of the appointments, she's been aware of when the egg has been put back and often asks if there is a baby in my tummy yet. She's also let the cat out of the bag a few times (as little ones do) telling others (we didn't want to tell) innocently about the doctor putting the egg back in my tummy. Anyway ... more recently she's being showing a bit of frustration with the whole waiting game. The other day she was upset about something else but then suddenly she was crying about wanting a baby brother or sister and why is it taking so long? We try not to focus on it and avoid telling them too much about what we are doing and when but then they'll see me injecting my stims or I'll need to take them to an appointment and then they'll start asking baby questions again. I feel bad knowing that all this talk might end up disappointing them and Charlie seems to have now resided herself to the fact that we aren't having a baby and has been saying this to Jazz. But Jazz remains the eternal optimist as she should be at 5 years of age which I'm thankful for (for selfish reasons). She actually brings me pictures she's drawn "for the baby" and tonight she made a necklace out of beads "for the baby" which is totally random but incredibly sweet and cute. I'm glad we are up front with our kids about this stuff and with all the appointments it would have been pretty hard to avoid anyway, but sometimes I just wish we could have kept them in the dark and surprised them with it if/when it ever happens. At this rate, I think if we do ever get pregnant we'll be thinking long and hard about when to let them in on it. But that's not something we need to worry about just yet. We have another wait infront of us and right now it's time for some progesterone :)

Go forth and multiply my little ones!

From our 6 good follicles we got 6 (hopefully good) eggs :) Anesthetic is an awesome thing! Seriously, I could hear the anesthetist talking as I was going under and someone else was talking as I came back out of it and it all just seemed like it was the same guy having the same conversation. I thought I was still waiting to be knocked out but when I opened my eyes back up to see what was going on, I realised I was in the recovery room. Crazy. Anyway ... this time I was given 2 cookies, a Muesli bar, a TimTam and a LeSnack with my juice. And I ate it all cos I was starving! There was another lesbian couple in there for their pick-up too today. When we left, Scout said the partner was still waiting in the waiting room with a big bunch of flowers for her girl :). Cute. Of course Scout then felt bad she hadn't brought me anything Lol. But having her all to myself for the day was better than any bouquet of flowers ;). This is the first time we've had a collection without one or both of our girls in tow so it was a nice for it to be just the two of us this time. Anyway it all went well, although the 1.5 hour drive home left me feeling uncomfortable and nauseous so I've spent the afternoon watching a dvd in bed. My feel like my uterus wants to fall out when I get up but apart from that I'm fine. Fingers crossed our eggs have fertilised and are now growing and dividing away in their little Petri dishes like good little oocytes.

New look for some good eggs ;)

I've been thinking about giving my blog a face lift since the start of this year and have finally gotten around to it! The old one was just too ... 'barron' looking. Not exactly the look you want when your TTC! So I had to change it. I think it was jinxing me! I had trouble with the fonts for the new one so I gave up in the end once the HTML text started to become one big blurrrrr. Anyway ... I'm hoping a new look will give me some good luck this cycle. I am enjoying a drug free day today :). Had my trigger at 10.40pm last night and go in at 10.40am tomorrow for an 11.40am pick-up. I am looking forward to it. Juice, cookies and a day off work! Let's hope the follies are still in there doing what they're suppose to so we get some good eggs.