Pages

Ads 468x60px

Friday 25 January 2013

The jaded vegan infertile

My girls are home and so is my beautiful wife.  I'm happy ... although still busy and alittle tired.   I've done well at sticking to my diet and Scout has been very good too, even while she was away.  The diet was a 30 day vegan challenge and I only have 1 week left now.  It's been easier than I expected to be honest (considering I've always been a meat eater) and I've learnt a lot of new recipes which I'll keep using but I'm not sure if I will continue with the strictness of it all after the 30 days.  I've been concerned about all the soy products which they say aren't good for fertility.   I've also been a bit uncomfortable with not having any dairy.  The dieticians at work seem to think it's ok as long as I drink other non animal milks that are fortified with calcium etc and make sure I get enough protein and other vitamins from other sources ... But they don't know I'm TTC.  Anyway I think I've only been concerned because of the fertility issue.  Apart from that I'm actually not minding it (which has surprised me) and I feel better for it, so I'm starting to feel alittle torn about the idea of going back to my old diet now which I wasn't expecting.  I thought I'd do the challenge and then just go back to eating meat and dairy but in a healthier way.  Now I'm not so sure.  At this point I think the only reason I would return to eating meat and dairy is for fertility reasons.  Crazy but true.  I never thought I'd ever want to be vegetarian let alone vegan but it appears my conscience is finally catching up with me.  Of course I don't expect our kids or Scout to follow suit ... and right now I'm still not sure if I will actually make it a permanent thing for me or not, so I guess I'll just wait and see how I go.  Clearly the fertility thing is something I'm going to have to give more thought to.  

Speaking of the fertility thing ... I've started on the BCP again.  Another week or so and I'll be sniffing syneryl.  I'm not overly excited about the prospect of another stim cycle next month but time isn't exactly on my side given I turn 39 this year.  So we are trying again ... But if this one fails we will be taking a break.  Financially this next cycle will be a push for us to cover as it is.  We have until egg collection to come up with the cash.  It will be more expensive this time too because it's a new year and I need to meet the safety net limit again to be eligible for the Medicare subsidy.  My private health insurance only covers the cost of my hospital bed for egg collection and transfer and because it's a new year I'll also need to pay a $500 excess to them again as well.  All up it's about $11,000 including the hospital fees and I'll need to pay $9,500  at egg collection.  If I could take the money factor out of the equation, I imagine I would be able to cope a bit better with the prospect of repeated IVF cycles.  It would still be shit but at least I'd have hope.  Instead, my hope now seems to be limited by our bank account.  When our bank account runs out, my hope will run out too.   As much as I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby ... I have to confess that 'baby making' is no longer an exciting prospect for me.  It feels like some emotionally driven financial extortion with bankruptcy being our only guarantee.  Yes, I am officially bitter and jaded ... and I wish I wasn't, but that's where I'm at when I think about IVF and doing it all over again.  It's hard to be positive about something that's only ever served up pain and disappointment with a hefty bill to boot.  Anyway, we will see how we go, but I'm certainly not looking forward to any part of this next cycle.

Monday 14 January 2013

Rosie and Lucy :(

 I had my first week on my own this last week.  I thought I'd have plenty of time to myself to potter around and do stuff around the place but instead it's been a busy and even stressful time.

First - the good stuff that happened ...
1.  Starting a new diet (which I'm enjoying even though the food prep is killing me!)
2.  Figuring out how to use my mobile as a hot spot for my pad (I am a little slow on the uptake with technology so this was a real revelation for me).
3.  Figuring out the bus system in our area and getting a myki card (small things amuse).
4.  Eating the yummiest blueberry friand I've ever had in my life (not part of the diet but who cares).
5.  Walking ... Alot.
6.  Reading that Amy from My TTC Obstacle Course has had her baby girl! Yay!
7.  Having my wife back in my arms for a weekend and finally getting some sleep.

Now for the not-so-great stuff that happened ...
1.  The heat wave on Monday and coming home to small animals in distress.
2.  The clutch going in my car %$%*! (an expensive and unexpected drama which is sorted now but not without tears about how this will effect our ability to fund another IVF cycle ... Which I will get to next time I post).
And 3.  The sudden and traumatic loss of our two chooks Rosie and Lucy who were taken (murdered) by a fox Thursday night.

I am gutted by this last event and have shed quite a few tears about it lately.  I've often thought I should do a post about our animals but have never gotten around to doing it, so today I dedicate the remainder of this post to our two favourite chooks ...

Rosie and Lucy

Rosie and Lucy were two funny little Isa Brown chickens who were a very special part of our family.  I got their hutch as a birthday present from my beautiful wife in June 2010 and a day or two later we got Rosie and Lucy - hand picked by Charlie and Jazz.  Rosie was smart, confident and incredibly cheeky.  She was the first to figure out how to escape the chicken run, would often steal food whether it was meant for her or another animal and basically ruled the roost (for the most part).  At one stage when her and Lucy must have been having their differences she decided to move out of the coop and into the dogs kennel (much to Anikan's disgust).  She also managed to escape the yard completely one day and was brought back to us by a mechanic from the repair shop around the corner.  She was an adventurer and a thrill seeker and reflected much of the same characteristics as Charlie - the one who chose her.  Lucy, on the other hand, was a much quieter and alittle more clueless chicken than Rosie.  She would pretty much just follow Rosie's lead and do whatever she did without much thought.  She was much more easily frightened and although she would come to us, she would often freeze, tap her feet on the spot and crouch down trying to hide whenever we picked her up for a cuddle.  She never figured out how to fly the coop but did follow Rosie out through the vegie patch gates on a number of occassions.  She laid less and smaller eggs than Rosie but was far more trustworthy and sweet in nature.  And although she wasn't the sharpest chicken in the coop, to be fair I think that cluelessness is generally a chicken trait.  For example ... Neither of them ever got the concept of rain or how to get away from it.  It would be bucketing down and they would just run around like the sky was falling and not know what to do.  Scout actually had to save them a few times in the wet season when the lower part of their pen filled up with water and they failed to figure out they should get out of the water by walking up the ramp into their laying boxes!  Anyway ... as silly as they often were, they did bring us much love and amusement.  They would have lived inside with us in our house if we'd let them and I think that's where they really wanted to be because they couldn't get enough of us most of the time.  If I was gardening, they were there beside me pecking at any dirt I moved incase a worm or grub popped out.  If we mowed the grass they would run alongside lawn mower as it was moving ... sometimes a little too close!  They were always at the door or up on our deck (leaving their shit everywhere) and would come running up to see us if we called them or simply walked outside.  They loved the freedom of exploring our yard and the longer we had them, the more lax we became about keeping them in their pen as we wanted them to be able to free range.  We never had any issues with foxes and became complacent about locking them up at night.  In the morning they would always be at the back door waiting to be fed with everyone else, or they'd come running up as soon as they heard us come to the door.  They would always come to us on cue if we ever called "Chook, chook, chook!".  And only last week Scout was playing with them at the kitchen window, calling to them and then hiding out of sight and laughing at their little heads bobbing up and down and all around looking for her and wondering where her voice was coming from.  Anyway, on thursday morning I called, but this time they didn't come.  I thought it was odd but figured they must be laying or still waking up because I was up earlier than usual.  I made my way down to their pen with some veggie scraps and two fat juicy cobs of corn for them ... And that's when I saw the feathers everywhere and then Lucy's body with a hole in her chest and her head gone.  My heart sank and tears ran as the reality of what had happened sank in.  I looked everywhere for Rosie but she was nowhere to be found.  Part of me hoped she may have managed to escape, but the feathers on the fence and in the field next door suggested she was the one the fox chose to take back to her cubs.

I am shattered by the traumatic way they died and how frightened they must have been.  I am angry with myself for being so lazy about locking them up at night.  I feel bad we didn't take the responsibility of protecting them from foxes at night more seriously.  I miss them and their crazy antics. I miss them being at the back door.  I miss them coming when I call.  I miss their beautiful little souls and hope they are scratching around in some grassy field in the sky, enjoying the sun on their feathers and getting up to mischief together just like they would be if they were still with us.  I am so sorry I didn't take better care of you girls.  Thank you for all the love, laughter and eggs you brought into our home.  We loved having you while you were with us and we will miss you both very much ... xx

Rosie on the left and Lucy on the right
Their first egg
Charlie and Rosie on the swing together
Rosie being her usual self
This last picture reminds of the day I found the kids in their cubby house with their toy kitchen sink and cupboards etc full of dirt and straw and them trying to force Rosie and Lucy to nest in it.  They were certainly very patient chickens.

Saturday 5 January 2013

Onto bigger and better things :)

Hello 2013!  This is the year we are gonna get pregnant people!  But before we get to that, I guess I should tie up 2012.  I haven't blogged much since our failed cycle mostly because I was in a badddd space after that BFN.  I limped through Scout's birthday and finally went in for the obligatory blood test on the Friday which was my last day at work.  I received the phone call from the nurse confirming the BFN in my car at lunch time and for the first time I cried on the phone.  I felt my voice break along with my heart.  I already knew what she was going to say but a little piece of me was still hoping the outcome might be different.  She was very kind and asked if we needed counselling but of course I just quietly declined.  To add insult to injury I actually developed unexplained nausea that week which had had me convinced I was pregnant even after only one line showing up on the piss stick.  Strangely this nausea has continued on and off ever since despite me not being pregnant.  Anyway - amidst this BFN our youngest graduated from kindergarten.  And I have been waiting to be in a happier mood to finally post it a photo of it :)


How grown up does she look in her little cap and gown?!  We were so proud :). So now our not-so-little girl will be soon be starting school.  She is so ready for it and so are we!

Anyway - Christmas came and went.  I wasn't feeling overly festive for many reasons but we put on a great pre-Christmas get together for Scout's dad's side of the family which my brother also attended.  I made potent sangria and drank myself into a blissful state of tolerance so I actually managed to enjoy the day.  Christmas eve we lit candles, made popcorn and watched carols on the TV with the girls.  They even slept in Xmas morning to the respectable hour of 7am which was a pleasant surprise!  Christmas Day was spent with Scout's mum's family where I chose not to drink although I made sure I still got in a few egg nogs before hand.   The day was nice but as always, tainted with feelings of missing my own family.  We are yet to actually spend a christmas with any of my side of the family despite active attempts on my part to try and make it happen.  They all live a long way away, except for my brother who is a flight attendant and often OS or in the air.  My mother prioritises spending time with her partners family so despite me trying to make plans in July for Christmas with her in Dec, she had already made other plans.  She said we were welcome to come up and stay but they wouldn't be there.  Why on earth we would want to spend $2000 to fly our family up there when they aren't there, and spend Xmas on our own away from any other family (ie Scout's) I have no idea but I can only assume this was her way of trying to offer something to make her feel less guilty about her continued support of her partner's children over her own ... but that's another story.

Anyway ... We finally left all the bullshit behind and went camping in a national park on the SA boarder.  Scout and I have been there before but this was the first time with the girls.  We went for a week and it was great although of course having the girls with us this time meant our activities were a little more limited.  Strangely enough little girls don't want to go fishing 24/7 so we had to mix it up with lots of day trips around the area to the caves, to the beach, and to other parts of the river to keep them entertained. It was bush camping so we had to use gas and solar power and hook up our own shower and toilet.  The girls got filthy but loved it and enjoyed making new friends with other kids at the campsite.




  
The highlight of the trip would be Jazz catching her first ever fish!!  Awesome!!!  The lowlight would be ripping off half the underside of my car when it bottomed out on something hard while flying down a soft sandy strip to one of the more remote beaches.  In the end we decided to pack up and leave a day early as the heat turned up and the fire danger became a little to risky to ignore.  It's nice to be home now although we have been still busy unpacking and washing and sorting out the girls to send them off to visit their dad for a few weeks.  Scout and I now have a whole 30 hours to ourselves before she heads of to army on a 2 week course.  She leaves this afternoon and then I go back to work tomorrow.  I am looking forward to sorting myself and the house out over the next fortnight while it's just me and the animals.  I plan on eating less, exercising more, and organising alot of the crap that's been lying around our house.  As for TTC stuff ... I will save my thoughts on that for another post.

Congrats to the ladies at 'Our baby making journey' on their recent BFP and I am looking forward to hearing how events unfold for Amy at 'My TCC Obstacle Course' over the next 2 weeks!  

Friday 25 January 2013

The jaded vegan infertile

My girls are home and so is my beautiful wife.  I'm happy ... although still busy and alittle tired.   I've done well at sticking to my diet and Scout has been very good too, even while she was away.  The diet was a 30 day vegan challenge and I only have 1 week left now.  It's been easier than I expected to be honest (considering I've always been a meat eater) and I've learnt a lot of new recipes which I'll keep using but I'm not sure if I will continue with the strictness of it all after the 30 days.  I've been concerned about all the soy products which they say aren't good for fertility.   I've also been a bit uncomfortable with not having any dairy.  The dieticians at work seem to think it's ok as long as I drink other non animal milks that are fortified with calcium etc and make sure I get enough protein and other vitamins from other sources ... But they don't know I'm TTC.  Anyway I think I've only been concerned because of the fertility issue.  Apart from that I'm actually not minding it (which has surprised me) and I feel better for it, so I'm starting to feel alittle torn about the idea of going back to my old diet now which I wasn't expecting.  I thought I'd do the challenge and then just go back to eating meat and dairy but in a healthier way.  Now I'm not so sure.  At this point I think the only reason I would return to eating meat and dairy is for fertility reasons.  Crazy but true.  I never thought I'd ever want to be vegetarian let alone vegan but it appears my conscience is finally catching up with me.  Of course I don't expect our kids or Scout to follow suit ... and right now I'm still not sure if I will actually make it a permanent thing for me or not, so I guess I'll just wait and see how I go.  Clearly the fertility thing is something I'm going to have to give more thought to.  

Speaking of the fertility thing ... I've started on the BCP again.  Another week or so and I'll be sniffing syneryl.  I'm not overly excited about the prospect of another stim cycle next month but time isn't exactly on my side given I turn 39 this year.  So we are trying again ... But if this one fails we will be taking a break.  Financially this next cycle will be a push for us to cover as it is.  We have until egg collection to come up with the cash.  It will be more expensive this time too because it's a new year and I need to meet the safety net limit again to be eligible for the Medicare subsidy.  My private health insurance only covers the cost of my hospital bed for egg collection and transfer and because it's a new year I'll also need to pay a $500 excess to them again as well.  All up it's about $11,000 including the hospital fees and I'll need to pay $9,500  at egg collection.  If I could take the money factor out of the equation, I imagine I would be able to cope a bit better with the prospect of repeated IVF cycles.  It would still be shit but at least I'd have hope.  Instead, my hope now seems to be limited by our bank account.  When our bank account runs out, my hope will run out too.   As much as I desperately want to get pregnant and have a baby ... I have to confess that 'baby making' is no longer an exciting prospect for me.  It feels like some emotionally driven financial extortion with bankruptcy being our only guarantee.  Yes, I am officially bitter and jaded ... and I wish I wasn't, but that's where I'm at when I think about IVF and doing it all over again.  It's hard to be positive about something that's only ever served up pain and disappointment with a hefty bill to boot.  Anyway, we will see how we go, but I'm certainly not looking forward to any part of this next cycle.

Monday 14 January 2013

Rosie and Lucy :(

 I had my first week on my own this last week.  I thought I'd have plenty of time to myself to potter around and do stuff around the place but instead it's been a busy and even stressful time.

First - the good stuff that happened ...
1.  Starting a new diet (which I'm enjoying even though the food prep is killing me!)
2.  Figuring out how to use my mobile as a hot spot for my pad (I am a little slow on the uptake with technology so this was a real revelation for me).
3.  Figuring out the bus system in our area and getting a myki card (small things amuse).
4.  Eating the yummiest blueberry friand I've ever had in my life (not part of the diet but who cares).
5.  Walking ... Alot.
6.  Reading that Amy from My TTC Obstacle Course has had her baby girl! Yay!
7.  Having my wife back in my arms for a weekend and finally getting some sleep.

Now for the not-so-great stuff that happened ...
1.  The heat wave on Monday and coming home to small animals in distress.
2.  The clutch going in my car %$%*! (an expensive and unexpected drama which is sorted now but not without tears about how this will effect our ability to fund another IVF cycle ... Which I will get to next time I post).
And 3.  The sudden and traumatic loss of our two chooks Rosie and Lucy who were taken (murdered) by a fox Thursday night.

I am gutted by this last event and have shed quite a few tears about it lately.  I've often thought I should do a post about our animals but have never gotten around to doing it, so today I dedicate the remainder of this post to our two favourite chooks ...

Rosie and Lucy

Rosie and Lucy were two funny little Isa Brown chickens who were a very special part of our family.  I got their hutch as a birthday present from my beautiful wife in June 2010 and a day or two later we got Rosie and Lucy - hand picked by Charlie and Jazz.  Rosie was smart, confident and incredibly cheeky.  She was the first to figure out how to escape the chicken run, would often steal food whether it was meant for her or another animal and basically ruled the roost (for the most part).  At one stage when her and Lucy must have been having their differences she decided to move out of the coop and into the dogs kennel (much to Anikan's disgust).  She also managed to escape the yard completely one day and was brought back to us by a mechanic from the repair shop around the corner.  She was an adventurer and a thrill seeker and reflected much of the same characteristics as Charlie - the one who chose her.  Lucy, on the other hand, was a much quieter and alittle more clueless chicken than Rosie.  She would pretty much just follow Rosie's lead and do whatever she did without much thought.  She was much more easily frightened and although she would come to us, she would often freeze, tap her feet on the spot and crouch down trying to hide whenever we picked her up for a cuddle.  She never figured out how to fly the coop but did follow Rosie out through the vegie patch gates on a number of occassions.  She laid less and smaller eggs than Rosie but was far more trustworthy and sweet in nature.  And although she wasn't the sharpest chicken in the coop, to be fair I think that cluelessness is generally a chicken trait.  For example ... Neither of them ever got the concept of rain or how to get away from it.  It would be bucketing down and they would just run around like the sky was falling and not know what to do.  Scout actually had to save them a few times in the wet season when the lower part of their pen filled up with water and they failed to figure out they should get out of the water by walking up the ramp into their laying boxes!  Anyway ... as silly as they often were, they did bring us much love and amusement.  They would have lived inside with us in our house if we'd let them and I think that's where they really wanted to be because they couldn't get enough of us most of the time.  If I was gardening, they were there beside me pecking at any dirt I moved incase a worm or grub popped out.  If we mowed the grass they would run alongside lawn mower as it was moving ... sometimes a little too close!  They were always at the door or up on our deck (leaving their shit everywhere) and would come running up to see us if we called them or simply walked outside.  They loved the freedom of exploring our yard and the longer we had them, the more lax we became about keeping them in their pen as we wanted them to be able to free range.  We never had any issues with foxes and became complacent about locking them up at night.  In the morning they would always be at the back door waiting to be fed with everyone else, or they'd come running up as soon as they heard us come to the door.  They would always come to us on cue if we ever called "Chook, chook, chook!".  And only last week Scout was playing with them at the kitchen window, calling to them and then hiding out of sight and laughing at their little heads bobbing up and down and all around looking for her and wondering where her voice was coming from.  Anyway, on thursday morning I called, but this time they didn't come.  I thought it was odd but figured they must be laying or still waking up because I was up earlier than usual.  I made my way down to their pen with some veggie scraps and two fat juicy cobs of corn for them ... And that's when I saw the feathers everywhere and then Lucy's body with a hole in her chest and her head gone.  My heart sank and tears ran as the reality of what had happened sank in.  I looked everywhere for Rosie but she was nowhere to be found.  Part of me hoped she may have managed to escape, but the feathers on the fence and in the field next door suggested she was the one the fox chose to take back to her cubs.

I am shattered by the traumatic way they died and how frightened they must have been.  I am angry with myself for being so lazy about locking them up at night.  I feel bad we didn't take the responsibility of protecting them from foxes at night more seriously.  I miss them and their crazy antics. I miss them being at the back door.  I miss them coming when I call.  I miss their beautiful little souls and hope they are scratching around in some grassy field in the sky, enjoying the sun on their feathers and getting up to mischief together just like they would be if they were still with us.  I am so sorry I didn't take better care of you girls.  Thank you for all the love, laughter and eggs you brought into our home.  We loved having you while you were with us and we will miss you both very much ... xx

Rosie on the left and Lucy on the right
Their first egg
Charlie and Rosie on the swing together
Rosie being her usual self
This last picture reminds of the day I found the kids in their cubby house with their toy kitchen sink and cupboards etc full of dirt and straw and them trying to force Rosie and Lucy to nest in it.  They were certainly very patient chickens.

Saturday 5 January 2013

Onto bigger and better things :)

Hello 2013!  This is the year we are gonna get pregnant people!  But before we get to that, I guess I should tie up 2012.  I haven't blogged much since our failed cycle mostly because I was in a badddd space after that BFN.  I limped through Scout's birthday and finally went in for the obligatory blood test on the Friday which was my last day at work.  I received the phone call from the nurse confirming the BFN in my car at lunch time and for the first time I cried on the phone.  I felt my voice break along with my heart.  I already knew what she was going to say but a little piece of me was still hoping the outcome might be different.  She was very kind and asked if we needed counselling but of course I just quietly declined.  To add insult to injury I actually developed unexplained nausea that week which had had me convinced I was pregnant even after only one line showing up on the piss stick.  Strangely this nausea has continued on and off ever since despite me not being pregnant.  Anyway - amidst this BFN our youngest graduated from kindergarten.  And I have been waiting to be in a happier mood to finally post it a photo of it :)


How grown up does she look in her little cap and gown?!  We were so proud :). So now our not-so-little girl will be soon be starting school.  She is so ready for it and so are we!

Anyway - Christmas came and went.  I wasn't feeling overly festive for many reasons but we put on a great pre-Christmas get together for Scout's dad's side of the family which my brother also attended.  I made potent sangria and drank myself into a blissful state of tolerance so I actually managed to enjoy the day.  Christmas eve we lit candles, made popcorn and watched carols on the TV with the girls.  They even slept in Xmas morning to the respectable hour of 7am which was a pleasant surprise!  Christmas Day was spent with Scout's mum's family where I chose not to drink although I made sure I still got in a few egg nogs before hand.   The day was nice but as always, tainted with feelings of missing my own family.  We are yet to actually spend a christmas with any of my side of the family despite active attempts on my part to try and make it happen.  They all live a long way away, except for my brother who is a flight attendant and often OS or in the air.  My mother prioritises spending time with her partners family so despite me trying to make plans in July for Christmas with her in Dec, she had already made other plans.  She said we were welcome to come up and stay but they wouldn't be there.  Why on earth we would want to spend $2000 to fly our family up there when they aren't there, and spend Xmas on our own away from any other family (ie Scout's) I have no idea but I can only assume this was her way of trying to offer something to make her feel less guilty about her continued support of her partner's children over her own ... but that's another story.

Anyway ... We finally left all the bullshit behind and went camping in a national park on the SA boarder.  Scout and I have been there before but this was the first time with the girls.  We went for a week and it was great although of course having the girls with us this time meant our activities were a little more limited.  Strangely enough little girls don't want to go fishing 24/7 so we had to mix it up with lots of day trips around the area to the caves, to the beach, and to other parts of the river to keep them entertained. It was bush camping so we had to use gas and solar power and hook up our own shower and toilet.  The girls got filthy but loved it and enjoyed making new friends with other kids at the campsite.




  
The highlight of the trip would be Jazz catching her first ever fish!!  Awesome!!!  The lowlight would be ripping off half the underside of my car when it bottomed out on something hard while flying down a soft sandy strip to one of the more remote beaches.  In the end we decided to pack up and leave a day early as the heat turned up and the fire danger became a little to risky to ignore.  It's nice to be home now although we have been still busy unpacking and washing and sorting out the girls to send them off to visit their dad for a few weeks.  Scout and I now have a whole 30 hours to ourselves before she heads of to army on a 2 week course.  She leaves this afternoon and then I go back to work tomorrow.  I am looking forward to sorting myself and the house out over the next fortnight while it's just me and the animals.  I plan on eating less, exercising more, and organising alot of the crap that's been lying around our house.  As for TTC stuff ... I will save my thoughts on that for another post.

Congrats to the ladies at 'Our baby making journey' on their recent BFP and I am looking forward to hearing how events unfold for Amy at 'My TCC Obstacle Course' over the next 2 weeks!  

Recent News