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Wednesday 31 July 2013

Last day of waiting ... for now.

Today is 13dp2dt.  Still haven't touched the sticks and am starting to feel sick about what the outcome will be tomorrow.  My stress and anxiety is back and the progesterone is not helping.  All weekend I felt like my body wanted to bleed and the progesterone was the only thing keeping that from happening.  Since then I've been cramping on and off but nowhere near as bad.

Anyway ... I forgot to post the Liebster questions for those I nominated the other day.  So here they are  :)
1.  Favourite thing/toy when you were a kid.
2.  First job you ever had.
3.  What type of music you're into
4.  Favourite piece of clothing and why
5.  Something you can't bare to throw out.
6.  A guilty pleasure.
7.  Favourite TV series
8.  A feature, trait or habit you inherited from your parents
9.  Something you'd like to be better at.
10.  If you we're to donate a lot of money to a charity, which would it be?
11.  If you could go back in time to visit another decade or era, which would you choose?
.  

Saturday 27 July 2013

Liebsters and the TWW


We are now at 10dp2dt.  Technically I could probably start testing but I've decided to stay away from the sticks this time.  I just can't handle day after day of BFNs so we are waiting till OTD.  To be honest I'm not finding it all that hard to resist temptation with the sticks now thanks to my POAS aversion.  Sure it would be nice to know right now if we've got a BFP but I'm just not ready for another BFN.  Beta is due on Thursday.  Normally I get the blood test done before work and get the results in the afternoon while I'm still at work, which I hate.  It's crap getting your results at work when it's negative ... trying to hold your shit together meanwhile your pretty much imploding.  I'm not doing that again.  So both of us have organised to take both the Thursday and Friday off work so we go in for the blood test together, get the results together and have a long weekend together to deal with the results.   I feel good about this plan ... I feel relieved.  And there is no way I'm letting some stick get the better of me while I still have another 3 days of work to get through.  My period is due Monday but given how much progesterone I'm on at the moment I don't expect to bleed till I stop taking it.  So ... We'll just wait and see how we go.

Also I'd like to give a big thank-you to B&C at 'Our Journey to Become Mummies', Nell B at 'Four Completes The Set' and Lexi and Sarah at 'Our Baby Making Journey' who each nominated me for a Liebster award :)  Liebster's are all about giving recognition to small bloggers (200 followers or less).  It's also a great way to find new blogs to read ;).  And to find out that others actually read yours!

The rules:
1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.
                  
My answers to their questions (I've picked a few from each so I've actually answered 12 in total):
FromB&C:
1.  Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?  The worst is actually from primary school.  I got my period at after school care.  I actually thought I'd shit myself.  I had no idea what it was.
2.  If you had to move to another country, where would you move?  Norway.  I spent a year working there as a nanny when I was younger and always thought it was a great place to raise a family.  They are just a really healthy nation and are all about the great outdoors and nature so I think my little family would love it :)
3.  City or nature person?  Nature.  I love living in the country and wouldn't trade it but I also enjoy having a city just 90mins away :)
4.  If you had to change careers, what would you pick?  I'd do horticulture and be an arborist or a landscape architect.  I like getting my hands dirty ... and plants are rarely a pain in the arse (unless they're a weed!).  
From Nell B:  
1.  What is your greatest fear?  Losing my family - not that this will ever happen but I couldn't live without Scout and the girls.
2. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Overcoming my driving phobia.  Sounds silly but I would get anxiety and start crying whenever I had to get behind a wheel.  When I was 27 I bit the bullet and forced myself to learn to drive without freaking out.  I now drive without issue but I think I'll always be a bit of a "granny driver".
3.  What public behaviours do you find the most offensive?  Spitting ... It's just disgusting.
4.  What is your favourite quote or saying?  It's actually a gesture ... that means "fuck knows".  I can't find a picture of the gesture itself but it involves my thumb and forefinger encircling my nose.  I do it almost unconsciously when I don't know the answer to something.  It's a habit from my Queensland days.
From Lexi and Sarah:
1.  Sweet or salty?  Salty ... But then I need to follow it up with something sweet!
2.  Describe yourself when you were 18.  A goodie-two-shoes virgin who still hadn't come out of the closet.
3.  Favorite season:  Spring :). The start of a new cycle of life in nature.  I love all the baby lambs in the fields and the new ducklings in the ponds and the shoots and buds starting to grow back on all the trees.  It's just plain makes makes me happy.
4.  Do you own any pets?  We have a lab retriever named 'Anikan', a fluffy ginger and white cat named 'Merkin', a very large grey rabbit name 'Bella', a turtle shell coloured guinea pig named 'Sprinkles', some fish and an axolotil named 'Oscar'.

As for nominations ... This is hard cos I can't nominate those who nominated me and lots of people I follow have already been nominated.  I have also been slack about expanding my blog roll this year so I can't come up with 11, but here are a few I'd like to acknowledge :)
1.  My TTC Obstacle Course - Genuine, funny and the writer has always been supportive of me in my own TTC journey.
2.  Non Fat Caramel Lesbian Does Baby Making - A success story by another supportive blogger who's had her ups and downs.
3.  Lezbemoms - 2 superhero mums who have been juggling 5 kids and are in the TTC game again!
4.  2AussieMammas - One alittle closer to home who is a regular poster of cute pics.
5.  Thoughts of Babies -  They are finally pregnant after a rough trott and it's TWINS!
6.  Hope is something you pee on - A blog about resiliance and sacrifice when TTC against all odds.  Plus I just love the name.
7.  Wigand Writes - Two mums with a little lady and now another on the way!
8.  Two Mummies Want a Baby - Two mums who've had a rough time so far TTC

Wednesday 24 July 2013

Progesterone Mind Games

Had another blood test and my progesterone is now at a very respectable 61.  FS wants me to stick with the 400mg pessaries twice daily which I'm ok with.  It's not as messy as the crinone and I don't smell all hormoney like I did when I was on that.  It does cost a bit ... but I guess time will tell if it's been worth it.  The high doses have me loaded up with progesterone symptoms which I am trying to ignore.  Seriously messes with my head.  I am currently 6dp2dt.  If our little embies are gonna stick, this is the time.

Sunday 21 July 2013

Post 101

Who knew I'd still be TTC after this many posts?  Crazy ... or at least I think that's what I might be starting to become!  We took the girls to see 'Despicable Me 2' last night at the movies and now the girls are minion crazy so this morning we decided to make some out of balloons and toilet rolls.  I was coping ok right up until the balloon for Jazz's purple minion kept leaking and every replacement I made kept popping.  I could feel my agitation growing but instead of taking a break I just kept going because I wanted to get the last one finished.  Anyway long story short, the balloons were old and not being my friend and when the last one exploded so did I.  Bloody balloons.  Scout had to send me to bed where I proceeded to burst into tears.  Seriously felt like I was having an anxiety attack lying there in bed ... all over a bit of arts and crafts with the kids!  Crazy hormones ... Anyway hopefully they're doing whatever they're suppose to be doing.   Here's a pic of the girls with their finished Minions, thanks to Scout :).   The purple one's look a bit like me in an IVF cycle ...

                     

Thursday 18 July 2013

Embies 8 & 9 deployed

Transfer was a little painful and I've had a bit of spotting since.  My cervix must be starting to narrow again.  The good news is 8 & 9 thawed beautifully and were apparently multiplying and dividing again at 5 and 7 cells.  Scout was with me for the transfer.  Earlier in the week it was looking like she might not be able to make it but she did :). We had to drive there separately and the traffic was a nightmare.  They always ask me to get there 30mins before the appointment time to sign paperwork (which takes 2mins) and then my FS didn't show up till 30mins after when the appointment was suppose to be, so essentially we were waiting around for nearly an hour for the transfer after stressing in traffic for 70mins!  I had bloods taken and they rang me this afternoon to say my progesterone was 15 which is apparently little low, so they've put me on 400mg pessaries twice daily.   The Crinone gel I was previously on was only 90mg daily and I was pretty bad on that so I suspect Scout is in for a rough ride over the next 2 weeks.  Fingers crossed it makes a difference.  Beta is due Aug 1.

                       
 


Monday 15 July 2013

Surging hormones

I've started and then deleted a number of posts over the last week and I'm putting it all down to hormones making me alittle crazy.  I'm in a natural cycle without all the drugs I'm usually on, but for some reason I am coping worse this cycle than ever before.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last 24 hours to the point where I feel like I'm already grieving a BFN and we haven't even gotten to transfer yet.  I've been freaking out about my surge being delayed, angry that I feel like I'm floating along in this cycle on my own without any FS running the show and this morning I pretty much burst into tears because the nurse couldn't answer my question about what drugs I needed to pick up for luteal phase support.  Thankfully my bloods from this morning confirmed a surge and I've managed to pull myself together enough to realise it's the rising hormones that's got me over-reacting about literally everything.  I seriously don't ever recall being this emotional around ovulation.  I'm fed up with my clinic, my FS and all my repeated failures at this IVF crap.  I'm also angry with myself for not demanding more from these people and putting up with such little progress in treatment to date.  I was  so traumatised by that last BFN.  It took me a long time to even think about doing IVF again without crying and now I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of Pavlovian response from being in a cycle again.  Essentially I'm a bit of a basket case at the moment ... but apparently I'm good to go for a transfer this Thursday.  AND shock horror, my FS is actually requesting more bloods post transfer to monitor my progesterone levels this time.  I am praying for her to give me something ... ANYTHING different to do to get through this cycle.  

Saturday 6 July 2013

Hope and putting it out there

We are now in our 5th IVF cycle, doing a natural thaw to put back the last of our embies.  Today is day 6.  I start using OPKs on Tuesday (just to make sure I don't miss an early ovulation) and have a scan on Wednesday (day 10) to make sure my uterus and ovaries and doing the right thing.  My last few cycles have been super short probably because of the weight loss / diet and exercise so I've been backing off on both for the last 2 weeks.  This last period was the shortest I've ever had.  I'm hoping this is a good thing and not a sign of pre-menopause (which would be just fucking dandy).  My clinic has been in fine form needing to be chased to do their job again.  First I had to chase up the admin people about confirming the cost of the cycle, then I needed to chase the nurse to get orders for the cycle from my FS, then I had to chase my FS's receptionist about getting back to me with an appointment for a scan with another FS since Dr P will be on holidays for the first half of my cycle.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I am paying for such a rediculously disorganised service.   Fortunately at this point I am relatively indifferent about the whole thing.  I just want to get this cycle out of the way so we can move on to greener pastures.  Our new specialist sounds awesome and I can't wait to meet her on 13th August.  I am looking forward to being tested for everything under the sun so we can be clear there isn't anything else we should be addressing ... which I suspect there is.  My current FS has been reluctant to do further tests re: immune issues etc until I've had at least 8 embryos fail to implant.  Given I've had 7 fail and if/when the next 2 follow suit we will be up to 9 ... I think we've wasted more than enough time, money and eggs/embryos meeting this rediculous criteria.  I just want to be tested and want to try something new.

Fertility crap aside, everyone in our house has been sick with the flu and I have been lucky last to finally get it so I have had the last few days off work and am resting up to try and get over it before we get to transfer.  The girls have been on holidays, so Scout has been working a lot on weekends and at night to keep all the balls in the air.  As much as we have been trying to save in preparation for the next few rounds of IVF, we have had too many other random expenses come up lately to make much headway.  It basically comes down to hoping we get a kick arse tax return which I think we will get given how much money we spent over the last 12 months on medical/IVF expenses.  Fingers crossed that's how it plays out anyway.

Apart from that I don't have much else worth sharing right now from my own little world. Too be honest, after hearing the news that Lex from CrazyLesbianMum is currently fighting the fight of her life right after being diagnosed with cancer in both her colon and liver ... our day to day issues at home and with TTC just feel small and irrelevant and hardly worth mentioning.  I am so shocked, saddened and just plain devastated for this woman and what's happened to her and I don't even know her.  I can't imagine what her and her family must be going through right now.  I just wish and hope the prayers of the collective of people behind her give her the hope, strength, and healing she needs to both fight and win this battle.  I feel frustrated that as human beings, we can't give the gift of healing to someone by simply wishing it for them.  I feel frustrated that diseases like this still exist in this world and continue to randomly steal away the lives of people we love and care about.  It's just.not.fair.  So for Lex and the two other people I cared about who are currently facing a similar situation, I am thinking you and I hope and pray that someone upstairs offers up the miracles I know each of you could do with right about now x

Wednesday 31 July 2013

Last day of waiting ... for now.

Today is 13dp2dt.  Still haven't touched the sticks and am starting to feel sick about what the outcome will be tomorrow.  My stress and anxiety is back and the progesterone is not helping.  All weekend I felt like my body wanted to bleed and the progesterone was the only thing keeping that from happening.  Since then I've been cramping on and off but nowhere near as bad.

Anyway ... I forgot to post the Liebster questions for those I nominated the other day.  So here they are  :)
1.  Favourite thing/toy when you were a kid.
2.  First job you ever had.
3.  What type of music you're into
4.  Favourite piece of clothing and why
5.  Something you can't bare to throw out.
6.  A guilty pleasure.
7.  Favourite TV series
8.  A feature, trait or habit you inherited from your parents
9.  Something you'd like to be better at.
10.  If you we're to donate a lot of money to a charity, which would it be?
11.  If you could go back in time to visit another decade or era, which would you choose?
.  

Saturday 27 July 2013

Liebsters and the TWW


We are now at 10dp2dt.  Technically I could probably start testing but I've decided to stay away from the sticks this time.  I just can't handle day after day of BFNs so we are waiting till OTD.  To be honest I'm not finding it all that hard to resist temptation with the sticks now thanks to my POAS aversion.  Sure it would be nice to know right now if we've got a BFP but I'm just not ready for another BFN.  Beta is due on Thursday.  Normally I get the blood test done before work and get the results in the afternoon while I'm still at work, which I hate.  It's crap getting your results at work when it's negative ... trying to hold your shit together meanwhile your pretty much imploding.  I'm not doing that again.  So both of us have organised to take both the Thursday and Friday off work so we go in for the blood test together, get the results together and have a long weekend together to deal with the results.   I feel good about this plan ... I feel relieved.  And there is no way I'm letting some stick get the better of me while I still have another 3 days of work to get through.  My period is due Monday but given how much progesterone I'm on at the moment I don't expect to bleed till I stop taking it.  So ... We'll just wait and see how we go.

Also I'd like to give a big thank-you to B&C at 'Our Journey to Become Mummies', Nell B at 'Four Completes The Set' and Lexi and Sarah at 'Our Baby Making Journey' who each nominated me for a Liebster award :)  Liebster's are all about giving recognition to small bloggers (200 followers or less).  It's also a great way to find new blogs to read ;).  And to find out that others actually read yours!

The rules:
1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
4. Display the Liebster Award logo.
5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.
                  
My answers to their questions (I've picked a few from each so I've actually answered 12 in total):
FromB&C:
1.  Most embarrassing moment from your high school years?  The worst is actually from primary school.  I got my period at after school care.  I actually thought I'd shit myself.  I had no idea what it was.
2.  If you had to move to another country, where would you move?  Norway.  I spent a year working there as a nanny when I was younger and always thought it was a great place to raise a family.  They are just a really healthy nation and are all about the great outdoors and nature so I think my little family would love it :)
3.  City or nature person?  Nature.  I love living in the country and wouldn't trade it but I also enjoy having a city just 90mins away :)
4.  If you had to change careers, what would you pick?  I'd do horticulture and be an arborist or a landscape architect.  I like getting my hands dirty ... and plants are rarely a pain in the arse (unless they're a weed!).  
From Nell B:  
1.  What is your greatest fear?  Losing my family - not that this will ever happen but I couldn't live without Scout and the girls.
2. What is your greatest accomplishment?  Overcoming my driving phobia.  Sounds silly but I would get anxiety and start crying whenever I had to get behind a wheel.  When I was 27 I bit the bullet and forced myself to learn to drive without freaking out.  I now drive without issue but I think I'll always be a bit of a "granny driver".
3.  What public behaviours do you find the most offensive?  Spitting ... It's just disgusting.
4.  What is your favourite quote or saying?  It's actually a gesture ... that means "fuck knows".  I can't find a picture of the gesture itself but it involves my thumb and forefinger encircling my nose.  I do it almost unconsciously when I don't know the answer to something.  It's a habit from my Queensland days.
From Lexi and Sarah:
1.  Sweet or salty?  Salty ... But then I need to follow it up with something sweet!
2.  Describe yourself when you were 18.  A goodie-two-shoes virgin who still hadn't come out of the closet.
3.  Favorite season:  Spring :). The start of a new cycle of life in nature.  I love all the baby lambs in the fields and the new ducklings in the ponds and the shoots and buds starting to grow back on all the trees.  It's just plain makes makes me happy.
4.  Do you own any pets?  We have a lab retriever named 'Anikan', a fluffy ginger and white cat named 'Merkin', a very large grey rabbit name 'Bella', a turtle shell coloured guinea pig named 'Sprinkles', some fish and an axolotil named 'Oscar'.

As for nominations ... This is hard cos I can't nominate those who nominated me and lots of people I follow have already been nominated.  I have also been slack about expanding my blog roll this year so I can't come up with 11, but here are a few I'd like to acknowledge :)
1.  My TTC Obstacle Course - Genuine, funny and the writer has always been supportive of me in my own TTC journey.
2.  Non Fat Caramel Lesbian Does Baby Making - A success story by another supportive blogger who's had her ups and downs.
3.  Lezbemoms - 2 superhero mums who have been juggling 5 kids and are in the TTC game again!
4.  2AussieMammas - One alittle closer to home who is a regular poster of cute pics.
5.  Thoughts of Babies -  They are finally pregnant after a rough trott and it's TWINS!
6.  Hope is something you pee on - A blog about resiliance and sacrifice when TTC against all odds.  Plus I just love the name.
7.  Wigand Writes - Two mums with a little lady and now another on the way!
8.  Two Mummies Want a Baby - Two mums who've had a rough time so far TTC

Wednesday 24 July 2013

Progesterone Mind Games

Had another blood test and my progesterone is now at a very respectable 61.  FS wants me to stick with the 400mg pessaries twice daily which I'm ok with.  It's not as messy as the crinone and I don't smell all hormoney like I did when I was on that.  It does cost a bit ... but I guess time will tell if it's been worth it.  The high doses have me loaded up with progesterone symptoms which I am trying to ignore.  Seriously messes with my head.  I am currently 6dp2dt.  If our little embies are gonna stick, this is the time.

Sunday 21 July 2013

Post 101

Who knew I'd still be TTC after this many posts?  Crazy ... or at least I think that's what I might be starting to become!  We took the girls to see 'Despicable Me 2' last night at the movies and now the girls are minion crazy so this morning we decided to make some out of balloons and toilet rolls.  I was coping ok right up until the balloon for Jazz's purple minion kept leaking and every replacement I made kept popping.  I could feel my agitation growing but instead of taking a break I just kept going because I wanted to get the last one finished.  Anyway long story short, the balloons were old and not being my friend and when the last one exploded so did I.  Bloody balloons.  Scout had to send me to bed where I proceeded to burst into tears.  Seriously felt like I was having an anxiety attack lying there in bed ... all over a bit of arts and crafts with the kids!  Crazy hormones ... Anyway hopefully they're doing whatever they're suppose to be doing.   Here's a pic of the girls with their finished Minions, thanks to Scout :).   The purple one's look a bit like me in an IVF cycle ...

                     

Thursday 18 July 2013

Embies 8 & 9 deployed

Transfer was a little painful and I've had a bit of spotting since.  My cervix must be starting to narrow again.  The good news is 8 & 9 thawed beautifully and were apparently multiplying and dividing again at 5 and 7 cells.  Scout was with me for the transfer.  Earlier in the week it was looking like she might not be able to make it but she did :). We had to drive there separately and the traffic was a nightmare.  They always ask me to get there 30mins before the appointment time to sign paperwork (which takes 2mins) and then my FS didn't show up till 30mins after when the appointment was suppose to be, so essentially we were waiting around for nearly an hour for the transfer after stressing in traffic for 70mins!  I had bloods taken and they rang me this afternoon to say my progesterone was 15 which is apparently little low, so they've put me on 400mg pessaries twice daily.   The Crinone gel I was previously on was only 90mg daily and I was pretty bad on that so I suspect Scout is in for a rough ride over the next 2 weeks.  Fingers crossed it makes a difference.  Beta is due Aug 1.

                       
 


Monday 15 July 2013

Surging hormones

I've started and then deleted a number of posts over the last week and I'm putting it all down to hormones making me alittle crazy.  I'm in a natural cycle without all the drugs I'm usually on, but for some reason I am coping worse this cycle than ever before.  My anxiety has been through the roof over the last 24 hours to the point where I feel like I'm already grieving a BFN and we haven't even gotten to transfer yet.  I've been freaking out about my surge being delayed, angry that I feel like I'm floating along in this cycle on my own without any FS running the show and this morning I pretty much burst into tears because the nurse couldn't answer my question about what drugs I needed to pick up for luteal phase support.  Thankfully my bloods from this morning confirmed a surge and I've managed to pull myself together enough to realise it's the rising hormones that's got me over-reacting about literally everything.  I seriously don't ever recall being this emotional around ovulation.  I'm fed up with my clinic, my FS and all my repeated failures at this IVF crap.  I'm also angry with myself for not demanding more from these people and putting up with such little progress in treatment to date.  I was  so traumatised by that last BFN.  It took me a long time to even think about doing IVF again without crying and now I feel like I'm experiencing some kind of Pavlovian response from being in a cycle again.  Essentially I'm a bit of a basket case at the moment ... but apparently I'm good to go for a transfer this Thursday.  AND shock horror, my FS is actually requesting more bloods post transfer to monitor my progesterone levels this time.  I am praying for her to give me something ... ANYTHING different to do to get through this cycle.  

Saturday 6 July 2013

Hope and putting it out there

We are now in our 5th IVF cycle, doing a natural thaw to put back the last of our embies.  Today is day 6.  I start using OPKs on Tuesday (just to make sure I don't miss an early ovulation) and have a scan on Wednesday (day 10) to make sure my uterus and ovaries and doing the right thing.  My last few cycles have been super short probably because of the weight loss / diet and exercise so I've been backing off on both for the last 2 weeks.  This last period was the shortest I've ever had.  I'm hoping this is a good thing and not a sign of pre-menopause (which would be just fucking dandy).  My clinic has been in fine form needing to be chased to do their job again.  First I had to chase up the admin people about confirming the cost of the cycle, then I needed to chase the nurse to get orders for the cycle from my FS, then I had to chase my FS's receptionist about getting back to me with an appointment for a scan with another FS since Dr P will be on holidays for the first half of my cycle.  It never ceases to amaze me how much I am paying for such a rediculously disorganised service.   Fortunately at this point I am relatively indifferent about the whole thing.  I just want to get this cycle out of the way so we can move on to greener pastures.  Our new specialist sounds awesome and I can't wait to meet her on 13th August.  I am looking forward to being tested for everything under the sun so we can be clear there isn't anything else we should be addressing ... which I suspect there is.  My current FS has been reluctant to do further tests re: immune issues etc until I've had at least 8 embryos fail to implant.  Given I've had 7 fail and if/when the next 2 follow suit we will be up to 9 ... I think we've wasted more than enough time, money and eggs/embryos meeting this rediculous criteria.  I just want to be tested and want to try something new.

Fertility crap aside, everyone in our house has been sick with the flu and I have been lucky last to finally get it so I have had the last few days off work and am resting up to try and get over it before we get to transfer.  The girls have been on holidays, so Scout has been working a lot on weekends and at night to keep all the balls in the air.  As much as we have been trying to save in preparation for the next few rounds of IVF, we have had too many other random expenses come up lately to make much headway.  It basically comes down to hoping we get a kick arse tax return which I think we will get given how much money we spent over the last 12 months on medical/IVF expenses.  Fingers crossed that's how it plays out anyway.

Apart from that I don't have much else worth sharing right now from my own little world. Too be honest, after hearing the news that Lex from CrazyLesbianMum is currently fighting the fight of her life right after being diagnosed with cancer in both her colon and liver ... our day to day issues at home and with TTC just feel small and irrelevant and hardly worth mentioning.  I am so shocked, saddened and just plain devastated for this woman and what's happened to her and I don't even know her.  I can't imagine what her and her family must be going through right now.  I just wish and hope the prayers of the collective of people behind her give her the hope, strength, and healing she needs to both fight and win this battle.  I feel frustrated that as human beings, we can't give the gift of healing to someone by simply wishing it for them.  I feel frustrated that diseases like this still exist in this world and continue to randomly steal away the lives of people we love and care about.  It's just.not.fair.  So for Lex and the two other people I cared about who are currently facing a similar situation, I am thinking you and I hope and pray that someone upstairs offers up the miracles I know each of you could do with right about now x

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