Little one has arrived safe and sound :)

Baby girl is finally here :). Bonnie Maree arrived at 1.38am on 23 April. 7 pounds 1 ounce with great set of lungs and lots of dark hair.  Scout and I are very tired but totally smitten by our new addition.  Will post the birth story when I get the chance :)

Not a lot happening despite plenty going on ...

We have had a tough week but baby is still on the inside.  Scout's Nan passed away on Saturday and we have pretty much been consumed with both the lead up to and fall out of that.  She had a blood disorder similar to leukaemia that we knew would take her at some point this year but we didn't expect it to happen right now.  She got a serious infection earlier this year and managed to survive it but hasn't been all that well since.  Then last Wednesday she went in for her usual transfusion of blood and platelets and unfortunately contracted MRSA from it.  She decided she'd had enough and declined any antibiotics which only had a slim chance of saving her.  So we pretty much spent Thursday through to Saturday up at the hospital with her waiting for it to take her.  It was pretty difficult and very stressful for everyone.  She had hoped she'd make it to see the baby.  That's all she'd been hanging in there for for the past 6 months so I was gutted that she didn't make it.  It broke my heart listening to her tell me that "this wasn't how it was meant to be" because she had wanted to still be here when the baby came.  I pretty much spent the entire 3 days on my feet, walking around with the hope that baby might come but in the end I just had to accept that it wasn't going to happen and even if it had, it would have probably created a lot of added unnecessary stress for Scout who would have then been torn about being in two places at once.  

Anyway, even though we thought the worst of the stress was behind us after Saturday, it seems to still be plaguing us.  Planning the funeral has been difficult for the family and it's brought up a lot of stuff for Scout about her childhood etc that she's found difficult.  The funeral director they are using has also been difficult about the timing of the funeral and has basically said they are too busy this week and can't do it over the Easter long weekend, so it has to wait till Tuesday next week.  Initially our concern was more about things being so drawn out for Poppa but after my midwife / OB appts at the hospital this week, it looks like we could still be looking at Scout having to choose between being in two places at once.  I am now 41weeks + 1 and looking down the barrel of an induction.  At both my last two appointments my cervix was still closed and they made attempts at sweeping the membranes but with a closed cervix it doesn't really do much good.  So yesterday when I saw the hospital OB, she wanted to book me in for an induction.  Not really something I was planning on but if that's what has to happen then so be it.  I asked that it be over the Easter weekend but of course they aren't doing bookings for the long weekend and are booked out between now and then so the earliest they can fit in a planned induction is Monday next week ... the day before the funeral.  I was kinda pissed because at first she's telling me that she doesn't want to wait that long to get baby out because I'll be almost 42 weeks, and then she comes back from looking at the diary and is suddenly ok with inducing next week because it fits into their schedule better.  Rediculous.  Anyway Scout was pretty pissed and upset about the whole thing.  If the induction goes ahead on Monday she will almost definately miss the funeral and is really having a hard time processing this.  I feel terrible and just want this baby to hurry up and come on her own before then but the chances of that happening aren't looking too good.  It's all just turned from being something we were looking forward to, to something we are now stressing about.  

On top of everything, we are also trying to figure out what we will do with the kids.  Scout's dad's side of the family were going to be the one's looking after the girls when baby came, but that's not an option now because they have enough on their plate, plus school goes back next week and we live a long way away from the rest of our family, so we have a bit of a dilemma.  If baby comes this weekend, none of this will be a problem as there will be other people we can call on for help, but if we have to stick to the induction on Monday, things are just going to be all round difficult for everyone.  I know we just have to accept that whatever will be, will be, and baby arriving safely is the most important thing, but it's frustrating being forced to fit in with a holiday / long weekend, especially when it's creating all this stress.  Fortunately baby is still doing well in there so that's one thing we don't have to worry about at the moment, but I'm also mindful of the risks involved the longer she stays in there.  Anyway my mum had planned to wait till baby arrived before flying down here but last night I called her and asked her to come this weekend or Monday instead to help us if/when this induction goes ahead.  We'll probably find out today when she's likely to get here, but at this point I feel like the sooner she gets here the better.  

I go back in for fetal monitoring and another scan tomorrow and every other day from now until baby comes.  I have to say, the one blessing amidst all of this is that she is still doing really well in there.  Her heart rate was really good yesterday and she still had plenty of fluid around her so at this point everything is still looking good.  The midwife was also really happy with her position and said she was pretty much right to come straight out.  So now we just need my dodgy cervix to get it's act together and open up.  I'm not feeling all that confident that that's going to happen, but fingers crossed it comes through and we get this show on the road before Monday.

  

41 weeks and counting ...

40 weeks + 1

Due date has come and gone and baby is still on the inside :).  She is starting to quiet down a bit now though.  Yesterday she was very quiet and I started to get a bit anxious about it when she was still quiet early this morning, but after a coffee and some mini Easter eggs she started moving again so I feel ok now.  She feels like she's a lot lower now but she's often felt like that in the past and then a few hours later she's wriggled back up under my ribs.  Who knows what she's doing in there.  Scout's work is finally on hold and the girls are on holidays as well, so everyone's at home.  I spent my due day yesterday washing hair and sheets because we found nits in Charlie's hair.  Joy!  Just what I felt like doing.  Anyway, I'm just glad to have Scout at home with me today so I can put my feet up for a bit and not have to worry about entertaining the girls.

Here are some photos from the baby shower as promised ...

                         

                         

                         

                         

How good does that food look?!  I was so spoilt :))

   And my latest bump shot ...

                                   

Anyway, we're looking forward to meeting our little one in the flesh, hopefully sooner rather than later!  Scout is getting anxious, and after this morning, I think I'm not far behind her.  My next midwife appt is this Friday.  Not long now :)  If I get the chance I'll post some pics of the babies room too ( hopefully before the little one arrives!)  It's finally looking organised and functional.

Thoughts on labour and our baby girl's arrival ...

I have had lots going on in my head lately and thought I should just get it all out before I suddenly a find myself in labour.  I am not 'scared' of what's ahead with the birth etc which actually surprises me ... perhaps that will come when labour starts ... but I do have some 'worries' that have been playing on my mind.  I don't care how our little girl arrives.  If I need drugs or an epidural or a Caesarian so be it ... as long as baby is safe.  But I do worry about the 'what if's' that I know we have no control over.  I know it's normal to have these worries at this point, but I just feel like I need to get them out there and hopefully once they're out I can worry about them a little less.  

My two biggest concerns is that something could happen to baby and also that something could happen to me.  I know these are normal things to worry about and it's most likely everything will be just fine.  But these thoughts are still in my head a lot lately, so much so that I was standing in line at the post office the other day and just suddenly started crying.  For some reason I just had this feeling like I wasn't going to survive the birth.  And oddly enough that didn't scare me so much but it did make me feel overwhelmingly sad that I could potentially end up leaving my little girl and beautiful family behind and never get to see or know of a future with them.  Even now it upsets me writing about it.  I love my wife and our little family so much and I just can't bear the thought of ever leaving them like that.  Anyway, it was bothering me so much that after my tears at the post office, I had to talk to Scout about it.  She was very understanding and said that she'd had similar thoughts when she had the girls ... Nightmares about c-sections going wrong etc.  I made her promise that she would keep and care for our baby girl if anything happened and of course she said she would, even though I think she thought I was being a little melodramatic.  Anyway, I feel better now that she knows what's going on in my head.  I think I just felt like I needed to have the conversation ... just in case.  It's not like I think there will be any issue with anyone not letting her keep our baby if something where to happen to me, but the thought is still there in the back of my head for whatever reason.  

As far as worrying about something happening to baby, I have been a lot better about pushing those thoughts aside and convincing myself that she will be fine.  I think it's just not something my brain is prepared to process or even consider with any seriousness at this point because the reality would be beyond comprehension.  Somehow I think I have just managed to convince myself that she will be fine and I'm happy to take that expectation (no matter how naive) with me into this labour because the  alternative is just not something I can think about at this point.  

In terms of labour, I feel a lot more empowered now to just give it a good crack and see what happens.  I'm not scared of the pain.  I might be once it starts!  But right now I feel ok about getting through that first stage.  The second stage still worries me, but I am just going to have to keep all those fears out of my head somehow and focus on having a happy healthy baby at the end of it.  

Another thing that has been playing on my mind, is whether I'll be successful with breastfeeding.  I know it's probably not something I should be worrying about at this point, but it's something I really want to be able to do and I hear so many stories about how much others struggle with it.  Anyway, we will cross that bridge when we get to it, but I am hoping it's not something that gets the better of me, because I'll be massively disappointed if it does.  

Apart from those couple of things, I am really looking forward to baby making her grand entrance :).  I don't feel nervous at all yet.  Probably because I've been trying to convince myself that she'll still be in there for a little while yet.  We are yet to make a list of who to tell when she arrives or discuss how we'll go about doing that.  I am not a fan of Facebook and we have deliberately keep our news quiet on there so I imagine it will be phone calls and txts.  One of the reasons we have keep any baby talk off Facebook is because we haven't wanted to hurt or offend our other friends who are still TTC.  I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but I finally told them we were pregnant back in January.  I had been putting it off because I was concerned about how they'd take the news etc. and the potential impact it could have on our friendship.  Anyway at the time, I spoke with the partner of the one who had been having so much trouble.  She was actually just starting IVF herself because they had had to swap roles in the end.  Anyway I figured she would know how best to break the news to her partner and because they were both seeing a counsellor my friend said she'd discuss it with their counsellor first.  I hadn't heard from either of them since and Scout was worried that that was the end of our friendship with them  I kept telling her it would be fine and that they just needed time after everything they'd been though.  Anyway ... I got a call out of the blue from the one I'd spoken to about it last week telling me that she still hadn't been able to break the news to her partner!  Apparently the counsellor didn't feel it was a good time to be sharing the news back in Jan and had told her to hold off but now with baby about to make an appearance any day, she had brought it up with the counsellor again and the counsellor suggested I be the one to tell the partner.  So here I am ... about to hit my due date ... thinking I'd already dealt with this and it turns out I still have to!  I can understand that it's been hard to pick the right time, but I'm feeling really bad now that my friend has been kept in the dark this long.  Anyway ... they're away right now but the plan is for me to contact her early next week, when they get back, to tell her.  This will be pretty much smack bang on my due date and pretty much the last thing I'm going to feel like doing ... but it has to be done.  Wish me luck.  I'm just hoping this baby doesn't arrive before I get to tell her ... because telling her after baby is already here is going to make me feel even worse!

Suddenly I feel like I'm running out of time!!!

I wrote a big post a few days ago and was waiting to get some photos for it ... but now the draft seems to have disappeared :(  Annoying.  And I have zero energy to repeat it all because I am just too TIRED.  Still not in a hurry for baby to be out ... But just tired.  To be honest my bump is still relatively compact considering I'm now 39 weeks.  I'm sleeping pretty well, apart from being woken by reflux sometimes.  I do seem to be getting a return of morning sickness which is weird, and my feet are sore but only swell if it's hot or I'm standing too long.  Generally speaking I've got very little to complain about considering how far along I am ... But I am tired.  I've probably been doing alittle more than I should be at this point so I imagine that's why.  Yesterday and today have been the first couple of days that I've actually put my feet up since I finished work.  I've just had that much stuff to catch up on around the house and with the girls ... it's just been busy.  

Last week I saw my osteopath for a session on my back to make sure everything's good before baby comes.  She seemed pretty happy with it and I have to say I haven't had much pain at all lately which is nice.  I also got the capsule installed in the car. Damn that thing takes up a lot more room than I thought it would!  We are seriously going to need to upgrade our car now with 3 kids in the back ... Especially when two need special seats.  Poor Charlie is squashed up between Jazzy's booster and the capsule now.  And even the front passenger seat is also squishy now as the seat has to sit a lot further forward than previously.  Anyway ... Bottom line is that we won't be doing too many family road trips anytime soon because there is no way we will all fit comfortably in there for any decent length of time.  The guy who installed the capsule also gave me a certificate of installation and told me to keep it in the glove box as the hospital may need to see it before they will let us take baby home.  I was kinda surprised by this.  Who knew professional installation was a requirement?  I know it's a good thing to do when it's first installed, but I didn't know the hospital would require proof!  Lucky we didn't decide to just install it ourselves ...

I had my 38 week midwife appt last week which went ok but apparently baby has a low resting heart rate that had them a bit worried so I ended up on a monitor for an hour just to make sure everything was fine with the little one.  Anyway ... They were happy with her in the end which was good and I got to relax for a bit, so it was kinda nice to just do nothing and focus on baby for a bit.  I don't have another appt until after 40 weeks, and I'm hoping if I do make it that far,that will be the last one.  As much as I'm happy to stay pregnant for a while yet, I don't want to end up needing an induction, nor do I want to be pushing out a big baby!  I've pretty much finished reading my birth skills book now and my hospital bag is packed.  Scout has stocked up on a few things to take for herself and has packed a bag for the girls to take to the grandparents.  My TENS machine arrived a couple of weeks ago and I still haven't tried it out yet but essentially I think I'm getting close to being as ready for this baby as I'm going to be.  I still wish I had a bit more time to get some other stuff done but really ... the sooner I get use to focusing on just what really 'needs' to be done the better.  Scout is having lots of dreams about me going into labour.  This morning she woke up exhausted from a dream in which I gave birth at home!  She keeps telling baby she has to stay in there till at least next week because she's got too much on with work this week lol.  

Apart from everything else, we've also been doing a bit of last minute work to our kitchen.  Not the best timing but it had to be done.  The lacquer on our wooden benches has been lifting and peeling off here and there for awhile now and has finally reached the stage of being seriously unhygienic.  We've been putting off fixing it but we really need a sealed bench with a baby in the house so we started stripping and sanding it last week and we're now in the process of staining and sealing it.  Another couple of coats and it should be done.  I'm looking forward to having a functional kitchen again!  

Scout's mum and sister also threw me a surprise baby shower about a week ago.  I really wasn't wanting to have one as I don't like being the centre of attention, but they wanted to do something.  Scout was in on it and I should have guessed something was up when she started putting make-up on just to go visit her mum.  Anyway, it was lovely and very low key thank goodness.  Just family and neighbours etc but very nice and we got very spoilt with gifts ;)

Anyway I will leave it at that as I really need to get this post saved properly this time.  I have more stuff I need to write about but it will have to go in another post.  Hopefully I've got time to write it before baby girl arrives!   I'll include pics from the baby shower then ;).