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Sunday 11 May 2014

Bonnie's Birth

Our little girl is now two weeks old and I already feel like precious time is passing us by way too fast, so it's time I get her birth story done.  I've actually been avoiding it alittle because I've been quite emotional since her birth but I really need to just get it out of the way.  If I wait much longer I'm bound to start forgetting things!  Anyway ...

Bonnie was over cooked and her arrival coincided with the departure of someone very special so things were a little more emotionally charged than they might normally have been.  My last week of pregnancy was spent having fetal monitoring every second day to make sure Bonnie was still ok on the inside, which she was.  It also involved trying everything under the sun to get her to come before her induction date.  I walked alot, ate foods that might help, drank raspberry leaf tea etc but nothing seemed to have any effect.  My reflexologist was booked out so I organised two accupuncture induction appointments with a clinic near the IVF place on the Thursday and the Saturday - these also didn't work.  My mum arrived on the Sunday and we reluctantly went in for the induction on Monday 21st April at 2pm - since we'd had no luck with having it moved to the Tuesday.  I was 41weeks 6 days.


On arrival we met our first midwife, Jenny, and were shown to a private room with a double bed on the maternity ward which surprised me as I'd half expected to be in a room with other women being induced until I went into labour.  They put me on a monitor and when they were happy that baby was still ok in there, they inserted the first lot of gel.  At that point I was told that my cervix was still long and closed.  Scout and my mum checked into a hotel near the hospital as we figured nothing would happen that night and I was worried mum would get tired and it was too far for Scout to be driving back and forth to our home which was a good hours drive away.  We had dinner and at 7pm the midwives took me off the monitor for a bit so I could go for a walk around.  While walking I started to get terrible pain down the back of my right leg and this became constant throughout the rest of my labour, along with occassional back pain.  At 9pm they put me back on the monitor again in preparation for being checked by the doctor.  The monitor showed regular contractions 3 mins apart which I had hardly noticed because I was so focused on the shooting pain in my leg.  Scout and Mum started getting excited about the prospect of our baby girls arrival and the midwife told me she was happy with my progress and didn't think I'd be needing a second lot of gel which made me happy.  

At 10pm we got a new midwife, Coby, who suggested I start using my TENS machine to manage the pain, which I did.  Let me just say right now ... I freakin loved the TENS machine and would highly recommend it to anyone else thinking about using one during labour.  Yes, the extra wires / cords hanging off you can be a bit annoying sometimes (especially when you're also hooked up to a monitor) but honestly it was so worth it.  The only bad thing about the TENS is that you can't use it in the tub, but any plans we had about being in water unfortunately went out the window for us when we had to be induced anyway.  

Not long after starting to use the TENS I also started to feeling a trickle, like I was leaking small amounts of fluid but it didn't seem like enough to make me feel confident it was my waters.  At 11.30pm I finally got checked again (not in a good way either I might add), only to be told my cervix was still way back, long and closed.  I was bummed to say the least.  Because my contractions were so regular and close together, they didn't want to give me another dose of gel incase it brought on a tonic contraction.  The doctor consulted with others and decided to wait a few more hours and check me again before giving me another dose which would need to be monitored extra closely.  At this point Mum went back to the hotel to sleep and Scout and I tried to get some rest.  



At 3am on Tuesday morning I got placed on the monitor again.  Baby was still happy but the contractions had started to subside a bit.  We were now 12 hours into the induction.  I got checked again and my cervix was now softer but still closed.  They decided to give me a second dose of Prostin gel which my body thankfully tolerated and I got monitored hourly after that  The contractions started getting stronger again and I increased my TENS to keep them under control.  I actually became so addicted to the feeling of my TENS that I started forgetting to turn it off between contractions.  At 6.30am Scout went back to the hotel for a quick shower, to pick up mum and to check out of the hotel.  I got released from my monitor for a bit to walk around (thank goodness!) and got under the shower.  I waited for the doctors to come check me again at 9am but by 10am I still hadn't seen them.  I got a new midwife, Fiona, who ended up checking me for the doctors under the supervision of the head midwife.  Unfortunately Fiona wasn't confident with her assessment so I then had to get checked AGAIN by the head midwife who told me my cervix was soft and open at the front but not at the back (?).  I still don't know how the fuck that is possible but at that point I just couldn't believe my cervix was still not dilating cos my vagina certainly was after having every man and his dog check me!  

Based on discussions with the doctor prior to checking me, the head midwife decided to give me a third dose of Prostin gel but only 1mg instead of 2mg.  I went back on the monitor again and at that point we decided that Scout should leave the hospital to attend her Nan's funeral.  She was gone for about 4 hours as the service was held at a venue almost an hour away.  I was relieved that things worked out such that she could attend it but also emotional about not being there myself and frustrated by the lack of progression despite ongoing contractions.  

By 3pm Scout was back at the hospital and I was back on the monitor again with a new mid wife, Zoey.  My back was killing me from the contractions and the dodgy bed I was confined to during monitoring.  I didn't get checked again till 4.30pm and at that point I was really starting to get cranky about not being able to get up and move around to cope with the pain.  When the doctor finally did check me, she told me she could get a finger into my cervix but it was still closed at the back so she couldn't break my waters.  At this point, tears started to flow despite all my best efforts to hold my shit together.  The doctor left the room to discuss what to do with others, but I knew the only option left was a c-section.  The disappointment was overwhelming.  One of the reasons I hadn't wanted to be induced was because I was worried it would fail and I'd end up having to have a c section which was the last thing I wanted.  Every show I'd ever watched where the mother had had to go to theatre had made me feel sick, plus I was worried about baby missing out on all the benefits of being born vaginally and the possible impact on my milk production post birth.  If baby was showing signs of stress I would have found it much easier to except, but she was happy as Larry in there according to the monitor, so I really struggled with it.  Anyway, the doctor came back and much to my surprise she actually offered to check me again, up in stirrups, just to be sure that they definately couldn't get through to break my waters.  So we did that, but the outcome was still the same and she confirmed that we had to go to theatre.  

It was classified as an emergency cesare but only because there was nothing elective about it.  Unfortunately they had given me something to eat just prior to checking me, so that meant I had to wait another 6 hours before they were happy for me to go to theatre.  And even after that we got pushed back a bit further to accomodate some other emergencies that came up.  I cried on and off during the wait.  I was still getting contractions and ironically I finally lost my mucous plug right before heading off to theatre.  

Anyway, our little lady arrived in the early hours on Wednesday 23rd April.  By the time we went to theatre I'd come to terms with it all, but it was a numb kind of acceptance.  The spinal they gave me was painless and the theatre staff were lovely but it was 1.30 in the morning and 36 hours since we'd started the induction so I was finding it hard to get excited about the whole thing. Scout, on the other hand, was excited enough for the two of us.  She sat beside me through the whole thing and kept me calm even though I actually felt like I couldn't breath for half of it.   I don't really know how to explain how I felt when I finally saw Bonnie.  I didn't cry when she came out, and to be honest I had a hard time registering that she was the same little bundle of joy that I'd been carrying around inside of me for 10 months.  I felt alittle detached from the whole experience and even though I was happy our baby was finally here, it was a numb kind of happiness.  It wasn't until much later that I finally felt the feelings of love and joy that I thought I'd feel at her birth.





The theatre staff took lots of photos for us straight after she was born, which we're grateful for given we'd arranged for our friend to photograph the birth, but that got canned once we found out we had to go to theatre.  I got to spend a bit of time with Bonnie and Scout while they were stitching me up, but then the mid wife took her away with Scout while I went to recovery.  I stayed in recovery for about two hours and during that time, Scout and my mum got plenty of time to bond with Bonnie.  I didn't get to really hold her until they took me back to the birthing room and thankfully she latched on without an issue straight away.  I had about 30mins there with my mum and Scout before they moved me to the ward and sent them both home because it was early in the morning.  Of course Scout couldn't be kept away and was back again by 8am much to my surprise.  I thought she'd be tired from the long night and driving home etc but she was so excited she couldn't sleep.


Anyway, because Bonnie was two weeks late, all the time that Scout had booked out in her work diary to bond with baby had passed so she was booked up with clients again and could only visit us in hospital late at night after she had finished for the day.  Mum stayed at home to look after the girls, so essentially I spent alot of time on my own in there.  I had a few visitors at the end of each day which made things bearable but the nights were hell.  I shared a room with 2 other mothers and their babies so I spent the whole time either dealing with the other babies waking Bonnie up or stressing about Bonnie waking them up.  The Thursday night was so bad I started to feel like I was going to unravel. Bonnie wouldn't let me put her down the whole night and I didn't want to just palm her off to the nurses, so I ended up walking the halls with her for hours on end.  I was tired and felt isolated from my family and just wanted to get the hell out of there.  So I asked to be discharged.  Of course this threw them all into a bit of a tiz because they'd pretty much ignored me since the c-section.  Plenty of nurses had said they would do things for me that needed to be done, but most of them hadn't because they had other more pressing issues to deal with.  When they took the catheter out, one said she'd be back to help me get up and have a shower.  She never came back so I just did it on my own, which was fucking painful and at one point I thought I was going to pass out, but thankfully I didn't.  Another said she'd show me how to express by hand, but she never came back either.  Often they would come in to say hello at the start of their shift and that would be the last I'd see of them.  Anyway, I didn't care that they were too busy to do stuff, I just didn't see the point in staying there when I could be doing the same thing at home.  Anyway my request to leave had them suddenly chasing their tails to catch up on all stuff they hadn't done which was probably a good thing.  They weighed Bonnie and were suddenly concerned about how much weight she'd lost since birth.  Then they noticed she'd developed jaundice.  No one had cared about my ability to breast feed prior to this but suddenly it was an issue and I needed to buzz them everytime I fed her so they could check on my technique.



They tried to talk me out of leaving but there was no way I was going stay in there for another night.  I was starting to get overwhelmed emotionally and knew I just needed to get out of there.  Anyway, they finally got their act together, did all the assessments that hadn't been done, showed me how to hand express and gave me a bath demo before finally letting me go under the proviso that I had a home visit with a midwife / lactation consultant after the weekend.



I was so releaved when I finally left that I cried.  And I've continued to cry on and off ever since for lots of reasons.  I've been overwhelmed by how beautiful our little girl is and how lucky we are to have her, especially after thinking it would never happen.  I've also been grieving Scout's nan and the fact that she never got I meet Bonnie even though I know she's still around us and will be watching over Bonnie for many years to come.  She actually arranged for Scout's dad to give us a nappy cake from her after Bonnie was born.  When they gave it to us and told us who it was from I just started crying and still do everytime I look at it.  I'm not sure when or how we will ever be able to pull it apart, but one day I guess it will have to happen.  The fact that I will never be pregnant again has also left me with a heavy heart and I'll post more about this another time, but I'm trying to focus on how grateful I am to have had the experience that I did.  My tummy feels very lifeless and numb these days, to the point where I half wonder if they have nicked a few nerves down there, but it's probably just because it was so full of life and energy before and the change in sensation has left me feeling quite empty.  

Anyway, there is lots more I want to write about but it will have to wait till another post.  If you've read this far and a still awake, you've done very well!  I will leave you with my favourite pic of Bonnie after her first bath at home :)  She is such an alert little one!!

Sunday 11 May 2014

Bonnie's Birth

Our little girl is now two weeks old and I already feel like precious time is passing us by way too fast, so it's time I get her birth story done.  I've actually been avoiding it alittle because I've been quite emotional since her birth but I really need to just get it out of the way.  If I wait much longer I'm bound to start forgetting things!  Anyway ...

Bonnie was over cooked and her arrival coincided with the departure of someone very special so things were a little more emotionally charged than they might normally have been.  My last week of pregnancy was spent having fetal monitoring every second day to make sure Bonnie was still ok on the inside, which she was.  It also involved trying everything under the sun to get her to come before her induction date.  I walked alot, ate foods that might help, drank raspberry leaf tea etc but nothing seemed to have any effect.  My reflexologist was booked out so I organised two accupuncture induction appointments with a clinic near the IVF place on the Thursday and the Saturday - these also didn't work.  My mum arrived on the Sunday and we reluctantly went in for the induction on Monday 21st April at 2pm - since we'd had no luck with having it moved to the Tuesday.  I was 41weeks 6 days.


On arrival we met our first midwife, Jenny, and were shown to a private room with a double bed on the maternity ward which surprised me as I'd half expected to be in a room with other women being induced until I went into labour.  They put me on a monitor and when they were happy that baby was still ok in there, they inserted the first lot of gel.  At that point I was told that my cervix was still long and closed.  Scout and my mum checked into a hotel near the hospital as we figured nothing would happen that night and I was worried mum would get tired and it was too far for Scout to be driving back and forth to our home which was a good hours drive away.  We had dinner and at 7pm the midwives took me off the monitor for a bit so I could go for a walk around.  While walking I started to get terrible pain down the back of my right leg and this became constant throughout the rest of my labour, along with occassional back pain.  At 9pm they put me back on the monitor again in preparation for being checked by the doctor.  The monitor showed regular contractions 3 mins apart which I had hardly noticed because I was so focused on the shooting pain in my leg.  Scout and Mum started getting excited about the prospect of our baby girls arrival and the midwife told me she was happy with my progress and didn't think I'd be needing a second lot of gel which made me happy.  

At 10pm we got a new midwife, Coby, who suggested I start using my TENS machine to manage the pain, which I did.  Let me just say right now ... I freakin loved the TENS machine and would highly recommend it to anyone else thinking about using one during labour.  Yes, the extra wires / cords hanging off you can be a bit annoying sometimes (especially when you're also hooked up to a monitor) but honestly it was so worth it.  The only bad thing about the TENS is that you can't use it in the tub, but any plans we had about being in water unfortunately went out the window for us when we had to be induced anyway.  

Not long after starting to use the TENS I also started to feeling a trickle, like I was leaking small amounts of fluid but it didn't seem like enough to make me feel confident it was my waters.  At 11.30pm I finally got checked again (not in a good way either I might add), only to be told my cervix was still way back, long and closed.  I was bummed to say the least.  Because my contractions were so regular and close together, they didn't want to give me another dose of gel incase it brought on a tonic contraction.  The doctor consulted with others and decided to wait a few more hours and check me again before giving me another dose which would need to be monitored extra closely.  At this point Mum went back to the hotel to sleep and Scout and I tried to get some rest.  



At 3am on Tuesday morning I got placed on the monitor again.  Baby was still happy but the contractions had started to subside a bit.  We were now 12 hours into the induction.  I got checked again and my cervix was now softer but still closed.  They decided to give me a second dose of Prostin gel which my body thankfully tolerated and I got monitored hourly after that  The contractions started getting stronger again and I increased my TENS to keep them under control.  I actually became so addicted to the feeling of my TENS that I started forgetting to turn it off between contractions.  At 6.30am Scout went back to the hotel for a quick shower, to pick up mum and to check out of the hotel.  I got released from my monitor for a bit to walk around (thank goodness!) and got under the shower.  I waited for the doctors to come check me again at 9am but by 10am I still hadn't seen them.  I got a new midwife, Fiona, who ended up checking me for the doctors under the supervision of the head midwife.  Unfortunately Fiona wasn't confident with her assessment so I then had to get checked AGAIN by the head midwife who told me my cervix was soft and open at the front but not at the back (?).  I still don't know how the fuck that is possible but at that point I just couldn't believe my cervix was still not dilating cos my vagina certainly was after having every man and his dog check me!  

Based on discussions with the doctor prior to checking me, the head midwife decided to give me a third dose of Prostin gel but only 1mg instead of 2mg.  I went back on the monitor again and at that point we decided that Scout should leave the hospital to attend her Nan's funeral.  She was gone for about 4 hours as the service was held at a venue almost an hour away.  I was relieved that things worked out such that she could attend it but also emotional about not being there myself and frustrated by the lack of progression despite ongoing contractions.  

By 3pm Scout was back at the hospital and I was back on the monitor again with a new mid wife, Zoey.  My back was killing me from the contractions and the dodgy bed I was confined to during monitoring.  I didn't get checked again till 4.30pm and at that point I was really starting to get cranky about not being able to get up and move around to cope with the pain.  When the doctor finally did check me, she told me she could get a finger into my cervix but it was still closed at the back so she couldn't break my waters.  At this point, tears started to flow despite all my best efforts to hold my shit together.  The doctor left the room to discuss what to do with others, but I knew the only option left was a c-section.  The disappointment was overwhelming.  One of the reasons I hadn't wanted to be induced was because I was worried it would fail and I'd end up having to have a c section which was the last thing I wanted.  Every show I'd ever watched where the mother had had to go to theatre had made me feel sick, plus I was worried about baby missing out on all the benefits of being born vaginally and the possible impact on my milk production post birth.  If baby was showing signs of stress I would have found it much easier to except, but she was happy as Larry in there according to the monitor, so I really struggled with it.  Anyway, the doctor came back and much to my surprise she actually offered to check me again, up in stirrups, just to be sure that they definately couldn't get through to break my waters.  So we did that, but the outcome was still the same and she confirmed that we had to go to theatre.  

It was classified as an emergency cesare but only because there was nothing elective about it.  Unfortunately they had given me something to eat just prior to checking me, so that meant I had to wait another 6 hours before they were happy for me to go to theatre.  And even after that we got pushed back a bit further to accomodate some other emergencies that came up.  I cried on and off during the wait.  I was still getting contractions and ironically I finally lost my mucous plug right before heading off to theatre.  

Anyway, our little lady arrived in the early hours on Wednesday 23rd April.  By the time we went to theatre I'd come to terms with it all, but it was a numb kind of acceptance.  The spinal they gave me was painless and the theatre staff were lovely but it was 1.30 in the morning and 36 hours since we'd started the induction so I was finding it hard to get excited about the whole thing. Scout, on the other hand, was excited enough for the two of us.  She sat beside me through the whole thing and kept me calm even though I actually felt like I couldn't breath for half of it.   I don't really know how to explain how I felt when I finally saw Bonnie.  I didn't cry when she came out, and to be honest I had a hard time registering that she was the same little bundle of joy that I'd been carrying around inside of me for 10 months.  I felt alittle detached from the whole experience and even though I was happy our baby was finally here, it was a numb kind of happiness.  It wasn't until much later that I finally felt the feelings of love and joy that I thought I'd feel at her birth.





The theatre staff took lots of photos for us straight after she was born, which we're grateful for given we'd arranged for our friend to photograph the birth, but that got canned once we found out we had to go to theatre.  I got to spend a bit of time with Bonnie and Scout while they were stitching me up, but then the mid wife took her away with Scout while I went to recovery.  I stayed in recovery for about two hours and during that time, Scout and my mum got plenty of time to bond with Bonnie.  I didn't get to really hold her until they took me back to the birthing room and thankfully she latched on without an issue straight away.  I had about 30mins there with my mum and Scout before they moved me to the ward and sent them both home because it was early in the morning.  Of course Scout couldn't be kept away and was back again by 8am much to my surprise.  I thought she'd be tired from the long night and driving home etc but she was so excited she couldn't sleep.


Anyway, because Bonnie was two weeks late, all the time that Scout had booked out in her work diary to bond with baby had passed so she was booked up with clients again and could only visit us in hospital late at night after she had finished for the day.  Mum stayed at home to look after the girls, so essentially I spent alot of time on my own in there.  I had a few visitors at the end of each day which made things bearable but the nights were hell.  I shared a room with 2 other mothers and their babies so I spent the whole time either dealing with the other babies waking Bonnie up or stressing about Bonnie waking them up.  The Thursday night was so bad I started to feel like I was going to unravel. Bonnie wouldn't let me put her down the whole night and I didn't want to just palm her off to the nurses, so I ended up walking the halls with her for hours on end.  I was tired and felt isolated from my family and just wanted to get the hell out of there.  So I asked to be discharged.  Of course this threw them all into a bit of a tiz because they'd pretty much ignored me since the c-section.  Plenty of nurses had said they would do things for me that needed to be done, but most of them hadn't because they had other more pressing issues to deal with.  When they took the catheter out, one said she'd be back to help me get up and have a shower.  She never came back so I just did it on my own, which was fucking painful and at one point I thought I was going to pass out, but thankfully I didn't.  Another said she'd show me how to express by hand, but she never came back either.  Often they would come in to say hello at the start of their shift and that would be the last I'd see of them.  Anyway, I didn't care that they were too busy to do stuff, I just didn't see the point in staying there when I could be doing the same thing at home.  Anyway my request to leave had them suddenly chasing their tails to catch up on all stuff they hadn't done which was probably a good thing.  They weighed Bonnie and were suddenly concerned about how much weight she'd lost since birth.  Then they noticed she'd developed jaundice.  No one had cared about my ability to breast feed prior to this but suddenly it was an issue and I needed to buzz them everytime I fed her so they could check on my technique.



They tried to talk me out of leaving but there was no way I was going stay in there for another night.  I was starting to get overwhelmed emotionally and knew I just needed to get out of there.  Anyway, they finally got their act together, did all the assessments that hadn't been done, showed me how to hand express and gave me a bath demo before finally letting me go under the proviso that I had a home visit with a midwife / lactation consultant after the weekend.



I was so releaved when I finally left that I cried.  And I've continued to cry on and off ever since for lots of reasons.  I've been overwhelmed by how beautiful our little girl is and how lucky we are to have her, especially after thinking it would never happen.  I've also been grieving Scout's nan and the fact that she never got I meet Bonnie even though I know she's still around us and will be watching over Bonnie for many years to come.  She actually arranged for Scout's dad to give us a nappy cake from her after Bonnie was born.  When they gave it to us and told us who it was from I just started crying and still do everytime I look at it.  I'm not sure when or how we will ever be able to pull it apart, but one day I guess it will have to happen.  The fact that I will never be pregnant again has also left me with a heavy heart and I'll post more about this another time, but I'm trying to focus on how grateful I am to have had the experience that I did.  My tummy feels very lifeless and numb these days, to the point where I half wonder if they have nicked a few nerves down there, but it's probably just because it was so full of life and energy before and the change in sensation has left me feeling quite empty.  

Anyway, there is lots more I want to write about but it will have to wait till another post.  If you've read this far and a still awake, you've done very well!  I will leave you with my favourite pic of Bonnie after her first bath at home :)  She is such an alert little one!!

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